


precious and fragile things

by ohmytheon



Series: Rebelcaptain AUs [14]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: (kind of), Absence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attraction, Baby Poe, Birthday, Character Death, Co-Parenting, Cop Cassian, F/M, Family Feels, Family Issues, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Gunshot Wounds, Hospitals, Human K-2SO, Hurt/Comfort, Journalist Jyn, Life as We Know It fusion, Loneliness, Loss of Parent(s), Making Out, Parenthood, Single Parent AU, Single Parents, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Undercover, Undercover Missions, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-23 09:14:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 26,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10716504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmytheon/pseuds/ohmytheon
Summary: After the unexpected deaths of their mutual best friends, Cassian and Jyn must work together despite their differences to help raise their friends’ two year-old son. Of course, what neither one of them anticipated was how their own relationship would change from a tense friendship to something much more. (A Modern AU based on the movie, "Life as We Know It".)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I think the person requesting this wanted something cute and sweet and this…is not it. I’ve admittedly never seen the movie, “Life as We Know It”, so I had to read the plot on Wikipedia. I didn’t think this was my kind of fic…and then I read a handful of single parent AUs and suddenly got emotional about it. I’ve decided this is going to be a two parter (…maybe three, but no more than that) since I’m impatient. This first part is definitely angsty as it deals with grief and mourning. I don’t kill off characters so I was sad. And Jyn and Cassian are so like the poster children for angst. Don’t worry; there will be some cute and light moments as well! I just had to deal with my own grief apparently while writing this.

_I was on the phone with her when they died._

Cassian pulled his face out of his hands and sat up straight in the pew. When was the last time he had come to church that wasn’t death related? Even his job required it, except it had never been personal then. He felt haunted by the biblical scenes in the stained glass windows and had difficulty looking forward, as if he might catch eyes with the one of the statues and be judged terribly. His own eyes were dark and guarded, the bags under them more prominent than normal. Anyone that glanced at him would immediately skid their eyes away. He preferred it that way. He didn’t think he could take anyone’s pity right now.

“Hey,” a quiet voice whispered to his left.

When Cassian looked over, he saw that it was Jyn. She appeared torn between looking wary and nervous. Two very different emotions in his opinion, but maybe that just came from years of doing interrogations. This was not the time for him to analyze what her facial expression meant, but he couldn’t help himself. It was second nature to him and, quite frankly, helped him retreat into his mind for a brief moment.

Without saying anything, he scooted over on the pew and allowed her to sit down next to him. She swept the back of her modest black dress under her legs as she sat down. He had never seen her so quiet or still before, although he could tell by the slight bounce of her left foot that she was indeed nervous or at the very least uncomfortable. Her eyes darted around the church like she’d never been in one before, overwhelmed by the vastness and piety of it all. It caused her to press her lips into a thin line and hunk down further in her seat than him.

Jyn was not a quiet woman. From the moment he’d first met her on what could only be described as a blind date of doomsday disaster proportions, he had realized that. It had grated on his nerves for the longest time. She had a worse mouth than a sailor, was not afraid to state her opinion even if it caused awkward moments, and was brash in the kind of way that drove people that actually cared about her mad. Granted, he’d accidentally insulted her profession before realizing she was a crime journalist, but he was a cop, so it was only natural.

Today though she was almost deathly quiet. Cassian closed his eyes. He hadn’t meant to think of it like that, not with the two caskets up front, and shame flared in his gut. It had taken a few years, but he and Jyn had learned to become civil with one another, perhaps almost friends, for the sake of their best friends. Cassian remembered thinking it was unfortunate, terrible luck that the very friend who set him up on a blind date with Jyn began to date the friend that set Jyn up with him. He hadn’t wanted to deal with a woman that he considered difficult and aggressive. And yet, as time went on and their friends got married, those concerns became less and less.

He still wouldn’t say that they were close, but right now, strangely, she was probably the only person in the room that he could tolerate sitting beside him.

Glancing at her out of the corner of his eyes, Cassian noted the makeup she was wearing. She didn’t wear it often - didn’t need to, if he was being honest - but he could tell that she’d been trying to hide the bags under her eyes that mirrored his own. “Did you sleep any last night?”

“Did you?” Jyn countered sharply, her bright green eyes throwing daggers at him. Almost immediately though, her eyes softened or at least some of the fire he always noted in them seemed to die out. She looked back down at her clenched hands in her lap, most likely the safest place. “Sorry, that was– that was out of line.” She took a deep breath and leaned back against the pew. “I’m not good at this.”

“Funerals?” Cassian’s eyes flickered to the caskets again, unbidden, before he returned them to her. The safest place to look. “I doubt anyone is.”

“Goodbyes,” Jyn told him, like they were two completely different things. He knew that her mother had passed when she was young, only a few years older than him when his parents had been killed, and that she wasn’t close to her father for some reason. Honestly, while he’d known her for years, he only knew the barest details of her life. The same could be said of her for him. They were two terribly evasive people. “I’m used to people just…vanishing from my life, but I didn’t think…”

“That they would?” Cassian finished for her.

Jyn shook her head. “Shara was a reckless bastard, even after she and Kes married, but she settled down after Poe was born at least.” A wry, humorless smile twisted on her lips. “I remember when she told me that I was going to get myself killed or at the very least hurt if I kept ‘chasing after homicidal bylines’. I thought, ‘Who took Shara and who is this?’ She sounded like such a worrywart, like a _mom_.”

“I got the same lecture from Kes often enough,” Cassian admitted.

The smile disappeared from Jyn’s face. She didn’t smile a lot, from what he’d seen of her, like she had only a certain amount of them and couldn’t afford to give them away. “And yet we’re the ones still here and they’re…”

As a cop, Cassian had done a lot of his fair share of comforting people. It wasn’t something he liked to do or was especially good at, but he was a hell of a step up from his partner, Kay, who didn’t seem to understand emotions at times. A part of him felt guilty for slipping back into the role of cop comforting a grieving friend, but it was familiar and safe and so he reached over to take one of Jyn’s hands. She flinched at first, like she might pull away at the offer of comfort, but then tightened her grip when her eyes caught sight of something.

The moment Cassian followed her gaze, he wished that he’d remained focused on Jyn. Sitting unaware in the lap of one of his parent’s friends was Poe, a dark-haired boy of two, playing with one of his toys. Cassian’s heart plummeted sickly into his stomach. The friend, Han Solo, was talking to him, an obviously forced smile on his face, while his pregnant wife, Leia, sat as still as a statue beside him. Despite the smile though, he looked awkward, like he didn’t know what to do with a kid.

Cassian tore his eyes away from the two, unable to look at them anymore. It should’ve been him holding Poe, but he’d needed some time. He dreaded the moment that he would have to face either of them. Poe was too young to understand, but did Solo know? Would there ever come a time he would have to tell Poe?

_I was one the phone with her when they died._

His eyes fell on the caskets again. Closed. Car crashes were not known for being kind.

“Kes would’ve been pissed that we can’t all stare at his handsome face one last time,” Jyn said suddenly and it was so ridiculous, so utterly true and maudlin, that Cassian’s throat constricted and he almost cried for the first time in years. He just wanted to hear Shara’s voice tell him that it would be okay - that eventually he would be able to sleep again and not think of her abrupt scream on the other end of the line.

*

Jyn glared at the lawyer while Cassian stared at the document in his hands like it might change right before his eyes. It wasn’t an angry glare. She wasn’t angry at the lawyer, who was just doing their job. Glaring just seemed to be her…natural go-to when anything other than perfect came up, which just so happened to be almost all the time. This was not perfect. In fact, this was a disaster waiting to happen. She didn’t know what Kes and Shara had been thinking when they’d come up with this absurd plan.

 _“Having a kid changes things,”_ Shara had told her smugly over a beer one night. _“Makes you realize what’s important.”_

She didn’t think this was what Shara had meant.

“This really just depends on whether or not you agree to this,” the lawyer, a woman named Sakas, sighed. She looked tired and unused to carrying a wiggling child. Everyone seemed uncomfortable around Poe, like they didn’t know what to do with him. “You can always say no, but if you agree, legally, you will both be his legal guardians.”

She all but shrugged her shoulders, at a complete loss of what to do. Clearly this was an unusual case. She had been friends with Kes and Shara as well, having gone to school with Kes, but it was one thing representing her friends and quite another to pass off their child to someone else. When Poe became too much, she set the little boy down and watched as Poe rushed to hug an energetic Golden Retriever. Cassian finally looked up at her, folding the document and placing it back in the envelope Sakas had handed him.

“I don’t really know what else to do,” Sakas said. Her voice was stretched thin. Jyn wondered if Sakas had allowed herself time to grieve or if she’d been holding it all in for Poe’s sake while watching him. “Neither of them really have any family to speak of and the distant relatives they do have live in other countries. I wouldn’t even know where to begin to look. Even then, it wouldn’t be fair to Poe. Shara wanted him to grow up in the home she and Kes built together. He has a life here. I don’t… I don’t want to take that away from him too.”

“I’m not certain we’re the right fit for the job,” Cassian said, the first words he’d spoken since he had read the document and Sakas had explained what was going on. The right fit for the job. He sounded so professional.

Jyn snorted. That was one way of saying it. Another was that they were two volatile, admittedly selfish people that didn’t know a damn thing about raising a kid, much less with one another.

“Shara and Kes seemed to have faith in you two,” Sakas told them carefully.

Cassian’s eyes dropped back to the ground. He was good at keeping eye contact with someone, unless he felt an immense amount of guilt. She knew about the phone call. Shara hadn’t been driving while on the phone when the crash had happened, but it still took something out of Cassian, even when she knew that he saw death on a regular basis being  a cop.

“So what?” Jyn questioned. “We just…uproot our entire lives? Move in here together and raise Poe like a family? Not to be insulting, but that’s pretty crazy.”

Jyn didn’t want to admit that she was afraid, but she was. Honestly, she didn’t know a damn thing about what it meant to be in a  family. Her childhood had been complicated at best. After her mother’s death when she was eight, her father had tried to raise her, but spent so much of his time at work, perhaps lost in his own grief, that she had practically raised herself. She’d bounced through multiple boarding schools after she turned thirteen, either from expulsion or just plain running away, until her father had more or less given up. She was messy, loud, wore the same bra for five days, and could barely cook mac n cheese without setting off a fire alarm.

How in the hell was she supposed to take care of a kid?

Not to mention Cassian, who she knew for a fact was completely devoted to his job. Kes liked to tease him that he was married to the force. He didn’t work on a clock like a lot of cops. She remembered the time that he’d missed a New Year’s Eve party because he’d apparently been undercover for a week straight. He wasn’t exactly dependable parent material. What had Kes and Shara been thinking?

“I know, I know,” Sakas said, sounding like she was close to begging. “I can see what I can do – maybe find other family or someone else that will take him in – but if not…” She shook her head. “He’d be put in the system.”

“ _No_ ,” Cassian quickly jumped in, “Kes would’ve been devastated if that happened. I would never be able to forgive myself if I knew there was something I could’ve done and I just let Poe go.”

Sakas frowned. “It’s not going to be easy. You’re two very single, independent people. I know that this is asking a lot of you. I’m sure Kes and Shara would’ve talked with you about it beforehand, but this was added in just a few weeks ago” She rubbed at his eyes. They were red, not from crying but obvious lack of sleep. Jyn knew the signs of sleep deprivation very well. “He asked when they were coming back home and I…I didn’t know what to say. I barely know what to do.”

“Then stop thinking about it,” Cassian told him, laying a comforting hand on Sakas’ arm. It made Jyn think of when he’d taken her hand at the funeral. He’d held it during the entire service. She normally hated to be touched, but she had clung to him like he was the only thing keeping her grounded that day. If she hadn’t, she might have honest to god screamed and that didn’t seem appropriate during a funeral in a church.

“Are you sure?” Sakas asked.

“We’ll do it. We’ll take care of Poe.” When Cassian glanced back at her, somewhat warily, Jyn nodded her head in a jerky manner. It was what Shara and Kes had wanted. They knew what kind of awful position their possible deaths would put Poe in. Out of all their friends, only Jyn and Cassian truly knew one another, got on semi-decently, knew Poe, and lived in the vicinity. “Shara and Kes trusted us with their son. I’m not going to throw that trust away. We’re adults. Poe is a child. We should do what’s best for him.”

For an absurd moment, Jyn wished that Cassian would reach out to take her hand again, to tether her to reality because she was afraid, just as she had been when she was rushing to the hospital after hearing about the crash. But she kept her hands clenched at her sides and looked back to Poe instead. This was not going to be easy. Everything was going to change.

*

Cassian grunted. “This is…weird.”

“All the words in the dictionary, and you’re going for that one?” Jyn asked him. “A little weak, if you ask me.”

He rolled his eyes, but didn’t stop helping Jyn maneuver the mattress up the stairs. After a week of finding her curled up on the couch every morning while he slept in the guest bedroom, he’d gotten her to admit that she felt uncomfortable sleeping in the master bedroom, specifically the bed. He hadn’t even thought about it when he’d offered her the room with more space. They’d discussed it and thought that replacing it with her bed and moving the old one into storage would be best.

Neither one of them talked about how they’d taken down some of the pictures. They left the ones out in the other rooms for Poe, but had begun to slowly erase any personal touches in the places they slept. It turned out that neither one of them had ever learned how to personalize and decorate their living spaces.

Lucky for both of them, neither had had a problem moving out of their old places. Cassian’s lease had been coming up anyways and Jyn had shared a cheap apartment with her friend Bodhi. It still made an awkward time to live together. He could still remember a time when she’d hated him. Thank god there were two bathrooms. The house was large enough where there were moments he could forget that she lived here too.

Except, of course, when it came to Poe.

Cassian had tried to explain it as best and gently as he could, but death was a very abstract concept to a two year-old. One day it seemed like he understood, morose and weepy, crying for his mom or dad, and the next he would be fine and would ask about them like they’d just gone on a trip. Those were somehow worse. He could handle the bad days, watching from the couch as Jyn held Poe close, her hand cupping the back of his head and bouncing him in her arms as she paced the living room. The other ones put both of them at a loss.

“Did you get it when your parents died?” Jyn asked him.

They dropped the mattress down on the ground and looked at one another. Personal conversations like this weren’t his forte. He was good at being evasive - it was perhaps his best talent - but he also knew that Jyn wasn’t good at them either. She was too blunt and ragged around the edges. Still, they were living and raising a child together. It was probably time that they got over that and actually learned a few things about one another that either of them couldn’t just look up.

Cassian sat down on the mattress even though it was close to the floor. He’d quickly understood Jyn’s reluctance to touch the bed, no matter how pristine and cozy it looked. “No, I guess I didn’t.” It didn’t hurt as much as it used to, thinking and talking about his family. They had died in an awful way. It was probably one of the reasons he’d decided to become a cop. “I thought they were sleeping at first.”

“I knew my mom was gone when she died,” Jyn said. “I don’t know how; I just knew.”

Brain aneurysm, his mind supplied. Very sudden. He was not going to admit that he had looked it up after that bit of knowledge had accidentally slipped in during a conversation with Kes.

“Do you think they picked us because we know what it’s like to lose our parents so young?” Cassian asked. He had spent a lot of waking moments questioning why Kes and Shara had chosen them out of everyone. There were some logical reasons for it and some very compelling arguments against it. He would not say that he and Jyn were the most stable people nor the most compatible. She was combative and he was set in his ways. Even when they got along, there was always that underlining of tension between them. “That we’d fight to make sure that Poe didn’t suffer alone like we did?”

“God, you make us sound so _broken_ ,” Jyn told him. There was a hint of dark humor in her voice, telling him that she had been avoiding those same questions. He was excellent at reading people. Jyn had been difficult from the start, but he was starting to learn her behaviors and habits. She bit her lip and then sat down next to him, her knee accidentally bumping into his. “You’re good with Poe though. Better than me. He likes you.”

“Yeah, but he feels safer with you,” Cassian pointed out. Jyn turned to give him a look that he was very familiar with on her face - the kind that said that she didn’t believe him. “When he’s scared or upset, he goes to you. He trusts you.”

A very faint smile came on Jyn’s face. It was the first smile he’d seen from her that didn’t look forced. Even though it was almost not there, it still made her look very pretty. The thought that he wanted to see it more often crossed his mind. He shoved that thought far away.

*

Jyn was minding her own business, trying to be quiet for once, reading a police report while lifting her eyes to the park every few minutes, when the woman next to her asked, “Which one’s yours?”

“What?” Jyn looked up from the report and blinked in irritation. The woman, for her part, didn’t seem taken aback in the slightest. She merely raised a challenging eyebrow. “Uh, none of them.” The woman’s other eyebrow raised to join the other and Jyn hastily corrected herself, “I mean, he’s not mine. I’m his…guardian.”

That was the correct word, but it felt wrong. Did a mere guardian allow a sniffling little boy curl up against her at night after having a nightmare? She couldn’t remember being given that much after her mother’s death. Clearing her throat, Jyn pointed at Poe, who was dangling from the monkey bars with Cassian holding onto him in case his little hands slipped. Poe had been insistent about doing the same things as the bigger kids.

The woman’s face softened. “Your life must’ve turned on its end. It’s really admirable that you took him in.” She didn’t ask about Poe’s parents, but maybe she didn’t have to. There was something very final about the term “guardian”. It said that Jyn wasn’t a mother, but was watching over him anyways. Jyn wasn’t looking to talk about her newfound struggles concerning parenthood being thrust upon her with a stranger. The woman smiled. “And it’s great that your husband took it into stride as well and is so involved.”

Jyn choked on air and coughed. “My husband?” She peered at Cassian, who had shifted Poe onto his shoulders as the little boy reached from bar to bar. Blush rushed to her cheeks. Shit, how long had it been since she’d actually blushed? Bodhi had questioned if she was capable of it. “Oh, hell, no, no, he’s not my husband. He’s, uh, he’s…a friend. Well, he’s also Poe’s guardian. We’re kinda working together. It’s complicated.”

“As if raising a child isn’t already,” the woman laughed, seemingly amused with how flustered Jyn had become. Jyn was extremely grateful that Cassian was distracted by Poe. He would’ve mercilessly teased her about this. Whenever he figured out something that got under her skin, he used it to his advantage. Slick bastard. “Whatever the case, it looks like you’re working things out. Together. Kids need structure.”

Before Jyn could reply, Poe was waving a hand at her and shouting, “Jyn, come play on the swings!”

Jyn was up and placing the files in her bag as she said, “Duty calls,” and headed that way. It felt like the perfect time to escape. She definitely did not want to talk about the strange arrangement between her and Cassian. But when Cassian looked up at her and smiled, so effortlessly, so at ease for the first time in weeks, her heart leaped in her chest. Something about the way he was holding onto Poe’s feet but focused on her, welcoming her into his world, made him look terribly handsome.

She was not going to think about it, much less talk.

*

It had been four nights since he’d come back to the house and all Cassian had been able to do was get in a brief call at one in the morning on the second night to tell her, _“I’ll return as soon as I can, I promise,”_ before he’d been forced to hang up. His captain, Draven, was not a man that tolerated personal calls while on the job.

The first two months of this new and abrupt co-parenting arrangement, Cassian had been given some leeway and hadn’t been put on any assignments. He had known that it would last for only so long, but he thought that Jyn might have gotten hopeful. He tried not to think about how he felt. On one hand, it was his job and a large part of who he was - this was where he was most at ease and himself, even when he wasn’t - but on the other hand, he had grown…comfortable with a more peaceful, if not sometimes messy, life with Jyn and Poe.

No, he didn’t come home to greet her with a kiss and sometimes he found himself alone entertaining a child while she was off chasing leads for a story, but it was a life. His favorite moments were when they were all together, though he would never admit it.The three of them sitting on the couch watching a movie, his arm slung over the back to where he could touch the nape of her neck if he moved his hand a little closer, Poe lying between them with his feet wiggling on Cassian’s thigh and his head in Jyn’s lap so she could run her fingers through his hair.

It almost felt like what he used to imagine family would feel like.

And then Draven handed Cassian this assignment and he couldn’t turn it down, not when he’d been working on this case for months. Jyn hadn’t liked it – he could tell by the twist on her lips and the sudden emotionless look that had fallen across her face – but she had nodded her head and told him to go.

Before he’d walked out the door, she managed to say, _“Be safe, got it?”_ like the words had to be dragged out of her mouth. There had been a hint of need in them though that had caught him off guard. He was still thinking about those words when he opened the front door and slunk inside like a dog with its tail between its legs after being caught making a mess.

There would be no sneaking in for him though. The second he shut the door, one of the tableside lamps flickered on to illuminate Jyn, as if she’d been waiting on him for the last few days. “So he returns,” she announced, accusations already dripping from every word. “I thought maybe you’d finally gotten sick of us and left.”

Cassian bit his lip to refrain himself from snapping back at her. He was exhausted, worn down from working basically non-stop for four days, and just wanted to sleep. Honestly, he’d been looking forward to coming back to this, to her and Poe, but he should’ve known that she would make things difficult.

“Four days, Cassian, four fucking days!” Jyn hissed at him. He almost flinched, but straightened his back instead. He knew how long he had been gone. He’d been counting the hours, not that she would know. She got to her feet and prowled towards him, like a lion would prey. He was used to people trying to intimidate him, but somehow, she put him on edge. “Four days I’ve had to try and explain to Poe why you weren’t here. Four days I’ve had to tell him that you were coming back when I honestly didn’t know if you would.”

“I’m not just going to walk out on him,” Cassian snapped, unable to stop himself. He knew that Jyn always saw the negative in people, knew that she rarely saw anything else, but he wished she wouldn’t think so lowly of him after what they’d gone through together for the past two months. He had been there for them both, hadn’t he? And he hadn’t complained once.

“You could’ve died, Cassian!” Jyn exclaimed, glaring up at him. She was close enough to touch now, her chin tilted up and her jaw set. “What would I have told him then?”

All at once, it hit him. She was baiting him, looking for an argument, but he couldn’t meet her. He had to back down. She was mad at him and the situation, yes, but there was more to it than that. He hadn’t seen it before because the glare of the lamp had put shadows over her face, but now that was right in front of him he saw that  there was something in her eyes that didn’t say anger so much as fear.

Her father had more or less abandoned her, hadn’t he? She was afraid that Cassian would do the same thing, not just to her, but to Poe as well. It surprised Cassian. He hadn’t ever known her to be afraid of things, but maybe he had been misinterpreting her for years.

“I’m not going to leave you, Jyn,” Cassian told her gently, placing a hand on her cheek, “either of you.”

A startled look flittered across Jyn’s face, like that of a scared animal, but she didn’t pull away like he was afraid that she might. Touching was something that Jyn didn’t do. She hated getting close to people. He thought that she had tolerated it whenever Shara had hugged her and usually stuck to shaking hands with Kes. It was like she had put a physical barrier up between her and other people. But he wanted to scale it. He wanted to see what was on the other side. And honestly that scared him a little too.

“You can’t promise that,” Jyn whispered, staring him in the eyes. There wasn’t any fire in them anymore though and the fear that he’d barely been able to glimpse became more apparent. She looked like she wanted to run and lock herself in the bedroom, but still, she didn’t move.

“I know and I’m sorry,” Cassian said, “but I can try.”

“Everyone leaves,” Jyn told him. “They always do.”

“I won’t, at least not of my own accord,” Cassian promised.

Somehow, without thinking about it, they had gotten even closer to one another, so that their chests were touching. She was clad in her pajamas, a tank top and shorts, and his clothes were rumpled and still smelled of sweat and smoke, but it felt like one of the most intimate moments of his life. The urge to kiss her struck him so violently that it made him hesitate to breathe. His fingers curled into her hair. It had been a while since he had wanted to kiss anyone so bad.

“You should get some sleep,” Jyn said in a quiet, husky voice. Still, she didn’t move away from him. “You’re probably tired.”

“Yeah.” The word rumbled in his chest as he looked down at her. He should go to bed. He did not want to sleep.

In the end, Jyn made the decision for him and probably for the best. She took a single step back and his hand fell away from her face. “Glad you came home in one piece.”

He smiled a little and could’ve sworn that a hint of blush covered her cheeks. It was hard to tell in the dim light from the single lamp behind them. “Me too.” She nodded once and then turned to walk up the stairs towards her room. He did not miss the fact that she had called this place “home” for the first time. It was better that they hadn’t kissed. They did not need to complicate matters any more than they already were, especially for Poe’s sake.

But holy shit, did Cassian want to kiss Jyn senseless.


	2. Chapter 2

The good days were some of the best days of Cassian’s life and that was saying something considering that they were smack dab in the middle of the most trying, difficult period in his life as well.

It was beautiful outside and both he and Jyn had the entire day off for once. He’d suggested that they all do something together.  _ As a family,  _ he’d mentally added, but hadn’t said aloud. It sounded like too much. And so they went to the zoo after Jyn mentioned that she had never actually gone herself despite living here for years. It just wasn’t something single people did, according to her. She had not asked why he had gone, although she had given him a strange look after saying it.

Poe absolutely loved it. He spent the entire morning rushing around the house, bumping into things, until it was finally time to go. He babbled the entire ride there, so fast that most of it was impossible to understand, but from Cassian could gather, he was very excited about birds. Poe had an early fascination with anything that was in the air, be it animal or machine. While most kids talked about tigers or monkeys, he was animated about eagles and hawks. Even the pigeons at the park fascinated him, although he was rightly leery of swans and geese.

There was a small smile on Jyn’s face as she read through emails on her phone in the passenger seat. Despite appearing distracted, Cassian could tell that she was listening to Poe’s rants.

They had only just entered the gates of the zoo when an employee somehow managed to corral them in the center of a circle. “How about a picture of the family?”

Jyn appeared startled, eyebrows set defensively, her mouth open to say something, deny everything, but she immediately clamped up when Cassian slid an arm around her shoulders. He didn’t pull her towards him, but she leaned into him anyways as if without thinking. In front of them, Poe kicked his feet wildly in his stroller and beamed cheesily. It was, Cassian thought, the stereotypical family photo that he could never remember taking, although he was certain that he must have with his mother and father before they died.

The employee took their picture, gave them a card, and told them that they could pick the picture up later if they liked. Cassian pulled his hand away to take the card at the same time as Jyn slid out from underneath him. It was a subtle movement with her bending down to speak to Poe as an excuse, but one that he noticed nonetheless. He told himself that it didn’t hurt.

Poe was too antsy by the time they neared where most of the birds were, so Jyn let him out of the stroller. She had to take his hand almost immediately before he could run off towards the nearest enclosure. Instead, she let him pull her forward as Cassian pushed the empty stroller. They’d considered not bringing it, but couldn’t guarantee that Poe wouldn’t get tired or cranky from the sun. Cassian stood to the side and watched as Jyn read the info of each bird aloud to Poe, who listened with rapt attention. He pointed out the different colors and sizes and cheered with delight when one of them flew.

To be honest, Cassian could not recall a single moment in his life that felt as peaceful and normal as this. Kay would probably harp on him about needing to see the precinct’s therapist if he ever mentioned that out loud. The old sting that this didn’t belong to him crossed his mind -- it wasn’t his moment to have; it should have been Kes and Shara’s -- and yet he still felt happy and light.

The good days, he knew, were important to treasure and remember because the bad days, well… The bad days were the lowest points in his life, especially because he knew that there wasn’t a damn thing that he could do to make them better. Those days, Poe went to Jyn, all tears and trembling, which left Cassian feeling alone and adrift amongst all the things that had been lost.

“Cassian, look, a baby giraffe!” Poe exclaimed, pointing at what Cassian assumed was a female giraffe and its calf. The kid had to peer through people’s legs and the fence to get a view.

When Cassian stepped forward to look as he was asked, Poe turned to him and raised his hands. The unspoken question tugged right at Cassian’s heart. There was no way that he could deny Poe and so he swept the boy up and maneuvered him into his shoulders. Behind him, he felt the gentle pressure from Jyn’s hand on his back as she helped Poe gain his balance. It was a hot day, which could only explain why his skin felt hot under her touch.

The day went like this. The three of them looking at animals, he and Jyn swept away by Poe’s enthusiasm, taking turns walking with him and carrying him until finally it started to catch up with him. Cassian returned Poe to his stroller as Jyn walked off to get them ice cream. While Poe still seemed to be having fun, it was easy to tell that he was getting tired from the way he slowly stopped talking as much.

Jyn returned with their ice cream and sat down across from him at a picnic table. The sun glowed on her face, although her eyes were hidden by dark sunglasses. This was a familiar look for her to him.  She was good at wearing things that hid herself. It wasn’t quite the same way that he was able to blend in anywhere when his job called it; more like she was projecting a feeling that told people that she was a uncrackable safe. However, after today, he’d seen through a few cracks.

After glancing at Poe, who had gone silent, Cassian grinned a little and nudged Jyn. When she looked over, she snorted at the sight. Poe had fallen asleep with his ice cream cone still in his hand and the vanilla ice cream smudged all over his face. She handed Cassian her cone without thinking -- although she did casually say, “Don’t eat it,” -- before cleaning Poe up with some hand wipes.

“He looks like he’s getting better sleep than I’ve had in over a decade,” Cassian pointed out.

“Ten bucks he’s dreaming of birds,” Jyn added.

Cassian smiled. It was a good day.

*

And then there were the bad nights. Jyn feared those the most. She wasn’t good at comforting, never had been, and actively avoided it, if she was being honest. Cassian was better, having had a lot of practice with it as a cop. She was never the bearer of bad news personally. When she broke bad news, it was in a magazine and sometimes got her hate mail or even a few death threats over the phone if it was particularly nasty.

So she could not understand why that whenever Poe was upset or scared, he came to  _ her _ of all people.

He’d been having a rough night, crying loudly for Shara and refusing to eat dinner. It didn’t piss her off so much as exhaust her. All Jyn could think was how much she missed Shara as well. She would know what to do. As Poe smacked the spoon away and practically screamed, Jyn glanced tiredly at the clock, wondering what time Cassian would get back. Poe didn’t fight so much about eating with him. She could only imagine how difficult bath time was going to be tonight.

It was just as rough as she imagined, but not for the reasons Jyn expected. Poe didn’t scream or wail, but sat curled up in the tub sniffling and weak under the bubbles and water, his toys floating uselessly around him. She tried to make it fun, she really did, even if she didn’t know what she was doing, but he was having none of it. Instead he stared listlessly at the wall, never once looking at her, as she attempted to coax him into interacting until she finally gave up and washed him in silence.

Once she got him in his footie pajamas though, he clung to her tightly and she knew that bed was out of the question. Both of them were tired by now, but neither one of them wanted to go to bed. She carried him to the living room, turned the tv onto his favorite cartoon channel, and sat on the couch with him. While she scribbled out some notes in a notebook on the arm of the couch with one hand, she played with his hair with the other as he laid against her, quiet and limp.

She must’ve fallen asleep though because the next thing she knew she was being carried gently up the stairs.

Jyn’s first instinct was to panic, jerk away and fight with whoever had a hold of her, get to Poe, and run, but then a familiar scent of cologne wafted over her. Cassian, her mind told her. It was Cassian that was holding onto her very carefully, carrying her up the stairs to the bedroom like she weighed nothing. She’d fallen asleep on the couch with Poe while watching television and trying to work.

Shifting slightly, she moved to wrap an arm around him and buried her face in his shirt. He was still in his work clothes. Under the cologne, she could smell the stale station coffee that he must’ve been drinking all day. “What time is it?” she mumbled into his chest.

“About three,” Cassian replied quietly. His grip tightened on her the second she spoke.

“Mm, you’re late,” Jyn pointed out, though it wasn’t really much of a complaint. She could’ve walked the rest of the way, asked him to set her down and mumbled some thanks, but she didn’t. It was easy to stay in his arms.

“I know, sorry.” He shifted her in his arms as he pushed the door open to her bedroom. “Rough night?”

“You’ve no idea.” Jyn took a deep breath. He smelled safe, was all she could think. It was one of those half-formed, sleepy thoughts that she couldn’t look in too deeply, if only because she was so tired.

He laid her on top of the bed like she was the most fragile thing in the world. Ridiculous really. Jyn might’ve been made of glass, but it wasn’t the kind that was easily broken. She knew what she was like. She was shattered glass, jagged around the edges and sharp enough to cut anyone that touched her. Cassian wasn’t afraid though. He was careful with her in a way she could not remember anyone else being. It made her strangely want for more.

When Cassian moved to leave, she reached out to snatch his wrist. Wasn’t really sure why she did. He stilled very suddenly and this time it was like he was the jittery animal close to running away. Neither one of them said anything, just breathed in the dark. So many things died on her tongue, even more from her mind, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that she didn’t want to be alone. It was a foreign desire. She had always been alone -- preferred it that way -- but tonight... 

Poe’s screams echoed in her mind.  _ “You’re not my mommy! I want her! I want mommy!” _

_ God, Shara, I will never be able to compare to you, _ Jyn thought weakly. _ What am I supposed to do? _

Cassian’s whisper of a voice pierced the dark. “Jyn?” He sounded almost fearful, which was also ridiculous. She was certain that he had faced more frightening situations than this one.

“Stay,” Jyn finally managed to say. She didn’t look at him -- couldn’t look at him. She was tired and worn thin and knew that she would not be able to hide her thoughts from him right now. One look and he would be able to read everything on her face and she couldn’t bear that. But even worse, she couldn’t face the rest of the night alone. The nightmares would come. “Please?”

Cassian took a breath. He relaxed slightly under her grip, but she could tell that the tension hadn’t completely left him. “Okay.”

She reluctantly let go of him and rolled completely onto her side, listening as he stripped down. His shoes thumping to the side of the room, the quiet way he unbuttoned his shirt, the sound of his belt and his pants sliding to the floor. When he crept in beside her, he brushed against her accidentally. Boxers and an undershirt. He kept a proper distance from her in the bed, which helped her breathe. It was like he was there but wasn’t. With her and yet not. It both put her at ease and made her wish for more.

“Rough night as well?” Jyn asked, unable to stand the silence. “You barely fought.”

Cassian was quiet for a while, making her wonder if he’d somehow managed to fall asleep already or was merely pretending to in order to get out of awkward pillow talk, but then said, “Yeah, rough night. It’s usually fine, but then  I’ve never… I’ve never had a reason to want to come home before.”

Something warm and unfamiliar blossomed in Jyn’s chest. She wanted to roll over and face him, but was too afraid of what might happen if she did. If he was looking at her, she knew exactly what would happen. They shouldn’t even be doing this. It made things complicated. But having him so close and yet far away at the same time was beginning to drive her crazy.

“Me either.” Jyn bit her lip. “I’ve never wanted anyone to come home either.”

The bed dipped behind her as Cassian moved. She sucked in a gasp of air, unable to breathe, when she felt his arm drape over her. It was very proper. He didn’t grab her, pull her towards him, or even hold her. It was just...there, a simple touch and gesture, like when he had slid an arm over her shoulders at the zoo for the picture. She didn’t think he knew that she’d seen him buying it before they left when he’d told her that he was using the restroom. Closing her eyes, she rocked back slightly until her back was against his chest. She could’ve sworn that she felt him hitching a breath. His arm tightened a little over her.

It had been an awful night, one of the worst, but this, she thought, wasn’t so bad.

*

The clock read 11:08 pm when Jyn stumbled into the house, one hand on her head, her wet hair shielding her face, and the other fighting with the keys stuck in the front door. Cassian looked up from the paperwork that he was reviewing at the table in the dining room to watch her struggle and curse under her breath. The moment she finally got the door shut and turned around, however, he jumped to his feet, the chair scraping the wood floor underneath him.

“What in the hell happened?” Cassian demanded as he rounded the table and headed directly towards her.

Jyn scowled at him, clearly not wanting to talk. It would’ve been a fierce one too, if not for the bleeding cut over her eyebrow and the shiner forming around her eye. She was soaked from the rain, looking as if she’d ran a mile in it, and her face was pale from the cold. Still, she let him guide her to the table and sat down when he pulled out a chair for her.

“What happened?” he reiterated in a firm voice. He knew that being gentle with her wouldn’t get him any answers, at least not right now. Jyn was the type of person that had to be bowled over sometimes in order to drag a single word out of her and he could tell that she was in a furious mood. He didn’t mean to use his harsh voice meant for interrogations, but that was how it came out anyways.

Nonetheless it worked, albeit slowly.

“I was waiting for an informant,” Jyn admitted, “when someone tried to mug me.”

“Seriously?” Cassian looked her over, trying to discern if there were any more injuries, but he didn’t see any. She was hunching over a little. Maybe her ribs hurt from a hit or two that had gotten in. “Tried to?”

“Yeah, he didn’t get anything, so I’d say his mugging attempt was a failure,” Jyn replied dryly. She was starting to shiver, so he got up and helped peel her out of her worthless jacket. This time, he did notice her wince, so he knew that she was hurt elsewhere, despite her own failed attempts to hide it.

“How did you get away? Did you call the cops?”

Jyn rolled her eyes. Calling the cops, in her opinion, was probably a waste of time. Irritation briefly flashed in him. She could’ve called him. But what could he have done? He was here watching Poe tonight while she was working. The call would have only gotten him worked up. “I sacrificed my umbrella to the cause -- beat him with it until it broke and he ran off screaming about me being a psycho.”

Cassian snorted, but said nothing as he left the room to get some supplies from the downstairs bathroom. It was all too easy to picture her doing just that. He was almost surprised she hadn’t chased the guy down to beat some more sense into him just because he pissed her off. Maybe it was turn him away from crime. When he returned to the dining room, Jyn was gingerly touching the swelling around her eye.

“Here,” he said, handing her an ice pack. She mumbled a thanks and pressed it to the side of her face. He sat down next to her, pulling his chair closer, and got to work cleaning up the cut. It wasn’t as bad as it looked, just got her in the right spot to cause a lot of blood to gush out. He thought there might be a scar if she didn’t get stitches, but he knew better than to suggest a trip to the ER and he didn’t have the supplies.

Jyn pulled the pack away. “How do I look?”

“Like shit,” Cassian supplied.

“I was hoping for dangerous or dashing.”

“You’re too short.”

She punched him in the chest, not too hard, but enough to cause him to flinch. Didn’t stop him from grinning though.

He was close to being finished when he started to get that feeling in his gut again -- the one he’d had the night he had come back from an undercover mission and again when she’d asked him to stay with her. It was hot and overwhelming. He’d had to fight the urge to grip her tightly and kiss her neck that night. Now he felt the urge to sink his fingers in her hair and pull her into a kiss. The sense of urgency and fear that had struck him when he saw her bruised and bloody face still beat in his heart, alongside the relief he felt that she was okay.

“Cassian?” Her voice was quiet. He suddenly realized that he’d paused in his work and had started to stare at her, but then she was staring back at him. She licked her lips. Despite the black eye, he couldn’t help but think that she really was beautiful. He’d recognized before that she was attractive, somewhat begrudgingly, but it was more than that now. He had never known a woman with as much fight in her.

Whatever might have happened -- whatever possible mistake they could’ve made -- was interrupted by a terrified wail to their right.

Both Jyn and Cassian jerked away from one another and snapped their heads in that direction. There was Poe in his favorite blue airplane pajamas, tears in his dark eyes, which were directly focused on Jyn. “Face!” he exclaimed before turning around and running to his bedroom.

Jyn groaned and buried her face in her hands. “Oh my god.”

“It’s okay,” Cassian said hastily as he got up and placed his hands on her shoulders.

But she shrugged him off. The time for comfort had passed. “My face  _ scared _ him.”

Cassian settled her with a hard look. He knew that it wasn’t the best time for it, but something had to be said. They had avoided talking about it for three months. Both of them had dangerous jobs at times, but the difference was that she actively put herself in danger. And for what? A story? It was important to her, he knew, but he couldn’t fathom why she was so reckless about it.

“You can’t keep doing this,” he told her.

Jyn looked up to give him an incredulous look. “Doing what? My job?” She scoffed. “Oh, so you’re the only one allowed to put himself in harm’s way. Right, got it.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” Cassian countered. She leaned back in the chair and put the ice pack against her face again, refusing to meet his eyes. “You can’t tell me this is the first time something like this has happened. I bet you’ve gotten yourself in trouble before. There was that restraining order against one of your so-called sources--”

“Looked me up in the database, did you?” Jyn snarled.

Yes, he had and he shouldn’t have done it -- he knew that it was an invasion of her privacy, something she very much cherished, even if it was public record -- but the damage had been done and it had been very telling. She put herself in the position to get hurt. She was reckless and didn’t care what happened. But even worse, every time something did happen, she was alone.

“I’m not telling you how to do your job,” Cassian sighed. “I just want you to be more careful, not for my sake, but for Poe’s.” He knew that using Poe was a cheap shot, but it was the truth. Immediately, all of Jyn’s defenses crumbled and whatever arguments and scathing words she had saved for him vanished into thin air. She slumped in the chair and looked down at her feet. “Next time you have to meet a source in some shady part of town in the middle of the night, would you please let me know? I can come with you. I’ll keep my distance so they won’t even know I’m there.”

“What -- like you’re my protector from the shadows?” Jyn drawled.

Cassian folded his arms across his chest. “I was thinking more like your backup.” When she finally looked up at him, the anger was gone from her face. She looked, well, kind of pitiful. Black eye and butterfly bandage over her eyebrow, hair plastered against her head, her clothes still dripping. And yet beautiful. “You don’t have to do everything alone. We’re in this together.”

There was an unreadable expression on her face, but she nodded her head anyways. He took a deep breath, relieved that the matter was mostly settled, and then left to go attend to Poe, who was probably crying in his bedroom. The poor kid had just been startled. It was a very sensitive time for him. Even as he calmed the boy down, thinking that this was something Jyn usually did, he thought back to her. They were supposed to be together in just raising Poe. When had it started to feel like more?

*

“For the record, I think this is a terrible idea,” Jyn hissed at her former roommate and best friend.

Bodhi had the nerve to shrug his shoulders. It didn’t even look like he was trying to care. “You two deserve a night of freedom. You both have been working and taking care of Poe non-stop without any regards to yourself. Very admirable, yes, but not very healthy.”

Jyn shot his reflection in the mirror a withering look that only made him smile. “I wouldn’t describe Cassian and I as ‘very healthy individuals’.”

“You’re definitely right,” Bodhi laughed. She reached out to smack him, but he jumped out of her reach at the last minute, too used to her ways. The man was insufferable and yet she loved him. They’d known each other for years and so far he was the only one that had been able to stand her longer than two. Even despite her chaotic ways, they had been good roommates.

Turning around to face him, Jyn took a breath and put her hands on her shoulders. “How do I look?” A decent pair of jeans that fit her snugly, a nice dark green shirt that Bodhi said brought out her eyes, a black leather jacket, and a pair of black boots with a small heel. Her hair was pulled up into a bun, as it usually was, but looser with a few strands hanging out, and she was only wearing the sparsest of makeup.

“Hm.” Bodhi tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Like you’re trying to look like you’re  _ not _ trying.”

“I hate you,” Jyn informed him. Bodhi only laughed again.

Cassian was talking to Poe downstairs, telling him to be good for Bodhi while he and Jyn were out. She could tell right away that Poe was only halfway listening, distracted by the cartoons in the other room. When she appeared, his attention snapped to her and he ran to hug her legs. Cassian huffed, knowing full well that he hadn’t gotten entirely through to the kid, and stood up while she hugged Poe goodbye.

Poe and Bodhi waved at them as they walked out and Jyn heard Bodhi distinctively say, “Let’s eat some candy now that they’re gone,” as he shut the door. She really did hate him.

Both she and Cassian agreed that they didn’t want to go too far, so they went to the nearest bar, the one that she and him used to meet Kes and Shara at whenever they had a free night. It felt weird walking in and not hearing her name called. Cassian must’ve sensed her hesitation because he placed a hand on the small of her back and guided her inside. Once they were at the bar, she resolved to not let it bother her and ordered a double bourbon on the rocks. He raised a curious eyebrow, but didn’t comment on it, just drank his beer.

“Want to play darts?” Cassian asked instead.

“Do you not remember the last time we played?” Jyn rounded on him and leaned back against the bar. He shook his head. “I crushed you and you spent the entire night pouting.”

“Then I demand a rematch.”

Jyn had forgotten how much she liked competition. It always got her riled up. It was part of why she enjoyed her job so much. The rush to get the scoop before another journalist, to find the best sources, to dig down until she was able to find the truth, no matter how gritty it was. She loved it.

As they played, she stood to the side whenever it was his turn, watching him toss the darts. He’d gotten better since they had last played, but she was still better. Despite herself, her eyes raked over him each time he carefully took aim and threw a dart. He was wearing casual black slacks and a tucked in white buttoned up shirt that was loose at the top with the sleeves rolled up. His hair looked more styled than normal, but also like he could’ve just ran his fingers through it. He looked nice without looking like he was trying to look nice. So basically he had managed the effect that she’d apparently been going for. Slick, as usual.

He looked ridiculously good.

Not that she was going to let that distract her. She still beat him at darts.

Both of them were conscientious of their time out. While Cassian got them another round of drinks, Jyn stepped out to call Bodhi to check on Poe. Everything was fine, he reassured her.They were playing with the dog and Poe was getting sleepy. He told her to enjoy herself like he was scolding her. When she stepped back inside, Cassian had found them a table.

The night wasn’t as awkward as Jyn might’ve imagined. They actually got to talk for once without the threat of being interrupted or caught looming over them. The alcohol didn’t hurt. It loosened both of their tongues a little. She had found that, much like her, Cassian was very closed-mouth about himself. He talked about his partner, Kay, who sounded like someone that would dislike her, and his hard ass boss, who she knew would absolutely hate her. She told a few stories about her boss, Saw, who sometimes acted like they were militants, not journalists.

But what she really liked was getting to know more personal details about Cassian. He carded his fingers through his hair whenever he was embarrassed or he would swirl the bottom of his beer bottle around the table whenever something caught his interest. His lips would quirk up in one corner when she said something amusing. He also had no trouble keeping eye contact where she struggled with it at times but only with people she liked. She did not want to admit that she was having trouble now.

“Okay, you got me in darts, but I beat I can beat you in pool,” Cassian dared.

Jyn grinned. “Oh, you think so?” She slammed her finished drink on the table and stood up. “Alright, let’s see what you’ve got, hot shot.”

She probably didn’t need another drink so soon, but she got one anyways. This time to she got a beer like him and then moved to the pool table, setting their drinks down on a tall table top. He set up the game this time, allowing her to break. He wore that amused, half grin on his face as she leaned down to take her shot -- and then laughed when she scratched right away and lost. What a piss poor way to start off.

The second game, she fared better, but it was obvious that Cassian wasn’t just good at pool. He was a shark. He beat her while she still had four balls on the table, making combo shots seem almost effortless. It pissed her off. He hadn’t truly warned her at all.

“A lot of undercover assignments in bars,” he explained. It did not satisfy her.

The third game, she managed a little more, but the longer they played, the more aggravated she got. She had never been excellent at pool, but she’d never been this bad either. She even managed to knock a ball clean off the table and watched with a scowl as it rolled across the bar floor.

When Cassian returned with the ball, he was shaking his head and said, “You’re hitting them way too hard.” Jyn practically snarled in response, but it didn’t seem to deter him or make him feel any less amused. “Here, let me.”

At first, when he stepped in behind her, she didn’t think anything of it. She was too busy scowling at the pool table in front of her. And then she felt him lean over her and all of her senses went haywire. Suddenly, she became hyper-aware of everything. They bent over the pool table together as one, him hovering just a hair’s breadth behind her, his hand folding over hers on the back of the pool stick. It was like one of those cheesy come on moves that she’d seen other guys pull and had made her laugh, but she was not laughing right now. In fact, she was barely breathing, what with the way his lips were so close to her ear.

“Just lightly tap it,” he murmured into her ear. His breath was hot and yet it made her shiver. She felt snug against him, like the night he’d stayed in bed with her, except a lot hotter and more alert. When they hit the cue ball together, it was gentle and the nine ball sunk into the pocket smoothly without her scratching or causing another ball to fly off the table. “Very good.”

The alcohol had to be going to her head. She felt overheated and almost dizzy. When he pulled away from her, she leaned back, almost like she was trying to chase his body, and then frowned at the table. How in the hell was she supposed to concentrate now when all she could think about was the weight of his body pressing against her? Even worse, she couldn’t help but wish that he had done more. It was like he was just there, on the edges, testing the water, before reining himself back in before he did anything improper.

There were a lot of improper things she would like him to do to her right about now. Predictably, she lost again.

They stayed for a little while longer, but neither one of them seemed to be able to concentrate. Whether their minds were on each other or Poe, Jyn couldn’t be sure. It did feel good to be out without having to worry. It had been a long time since she’d done something like this, even before Poe, and even longer since she’d enjoyed herself so much. Of course, she was frustrated as well. The slow way Cassian dragged a finger around the lip of his glass as he gazed at her was beginning to drive her mad.

“You want to head out?” Cassian asked.

_ I want you, _ Jyn thought furiously, but nodded her head.

They paid their tab and left the bar. It was only a ten minute walk back to the house, but it felt like miles. The two of them kept brushing and bumping into one another, neither one of them bothering with apologizing. Both of them knew that it wasn’t accidental or because of the alcohol. She wanted to be close to him. She wanted him to touch her. It surprised her, honestly, how much she wanted all of it.

“Poe was great,” Bodhi told them, seemingly unaware of the tension lying between Jyn and Cassian. “Been out like a light for like two hours. Easiest babysitting gig ever.”

“That’s great,” Jyn said, obviously distracted by the way Cassian was drawing circles on the small of her back. “We really appreciate it.”

“No problem. If you ever need anything--”

“We know who to call,” Cassian finished for him, a slight smile on his face. He sounded a lot smoother than Jyn. In fact, if she didn’t feel the way he was touching her right now, she would’ve thought that he wasn’t bothered at all. He was good at this, much better than her. That seemed to give Bodhi the hint. He was out the door in a minute, Jyn shutting it behind him.

She sighed. “I thought he was never going to--”

Cassian was on her in a second, pressing her against the wall with his body, his lips on hers. She didn’t even think about it; she returned the kiss just as eagerly, reaching up to snag her fingers in his hair. After watching him do it all night, she had to feel it for herself. One of his hands gripped her hip tightly, pulling her against him, as he ran his other hand up her side on the inside of her jacket. When she opened her mouth to deepen the kiss, he ground against her and groaned, the feel of it rumbling up his chest and into hers. But when they began to move further into the room, they knocked a lamp over and both of them stopped to wince.

“We’re going to wake up Poe,” Jyn whispered against his lips.

“Can’t have that,” Cassian murmured. He slid his hands under her and lifted her up, surprising her. It was different kind of carry this time. She wrapped her legs around him for good measure and buried her face in the crook of his neck, kissing him lightly as he carried her to the bedroom.

This time, there was no being gentle. When he dropped her on the bed, he immediately crawled over top of her, his weight hard and needy. She wiggled out of her jacket underneath him and gasped when he nipped at the exposed skin of her collarbone. His hands were all over her, the barrier of her clothes feeling like too much and yet just enough to tease her. She arched underneath him with every touch, sighs and gasps tumbling out of her, and pulled him down against her with her legs. Even through their clothes, she could feel how hard he was.

However, the second she moved to slid her hand in between them and undo his pants, he snatched her wrist and stopped. She dropped her head back against the bed and looked up at him in confusion. Both of them were panting heavily. Every inch of her felt like it was on fire for him and she needed him in order to put it out. All that teasing and he was going to just stop cold?

“Wait,” he breathed, his forehead pressed against her and his eyes screwed shut tight like he was in pain, “wait, I don’t--”

She jerked her hand out of his grip. “Got it.”

But when she moved to push him away, he held on tight to her and wouldn’t move. Instead, much to her frustration, he kissed her again. What in the hell was wrong with him? “Not like this,” he told her. “I don’t want to-- Not like this.”

Immediately, Jyn stilled underneath him and stopped trying to push him away. He was…being gentle with her. That was not something she expected. Guys weren’t typically gentle with her. They took what they wanted and she took what she wanted and that was that. She had thought that that was what he wanted, something without any emotions attached -- make things less complicated -- and yet he clearly didn’t.

“Don’t want to take advantage of a drunk girl?” Jyn asked, trying to sound acidic but failing.

Cassian gave her that half grin that made her heart feel like it might skip a beat. “I think you’re more likely to take advantage of me while I’m drunk.”

“It was a good try,” Jyn sighed half-heartedly.

Even though she didn’t want to, she smiled when he kissed her again. She missed his weight the moment he rolled off of her. He stayed on the bed though and pulled her against his chest so that she was nestled against him. This wasn’t what she’d had in mind the moment he’d kissed her, but it somehow felt even more intimate, which terrified her a little. Cuddling had never been her thing. She never stayed long enough for it and definitely didn’t do it in place of sex.

This was…weird. But not a bad weird.

*

Of course, it did get complicated. She and Cassian did their best not to fall into it quickly. They slept in their separate rooms for the most part, kept an appropriate distance between each other whenever Poe was in the room, and did not get themselves into any compromising situations. There were a few slip ups. Moments when they found themselves pulled into each other’s orbits and were incapable of pulling away. He’d pull her to the side to kiss her while they were making cupcakes or she would drag him down for a kiss on the couch.

His touch felt like a jolt of lightning. She was almost certain that he brushed up against her on purpose and would shoot him a glare every time. That grin always gave him away. She was not one to be toyed with, however, and knew how to fight fire with fire. She would wiggle around when trying to squeeze past him, bend over to tie her shoes, or play with the straw of her drink. That last one caused his eyes to darken every time.

Some nights, it was impossible to stay away from one another. They tumbled around beneath the sheets before it became too much and they would stop before they got out of control. Still they hadn’t had sex. Normally that would have driven Jyn mad, but she didn’t mind as much. She liked to slow build up. At the time, of course, she didn’t like it, but afterwards, she always fell in a comfortable glow as they laid next to one another. She really enjoyed the way the scruff of his cheek rubbed against her skin.

The nights that he was gone for work were the worst. It didn’t matter that he didn’t always sleep in the bed with her when he were here; the fact that he was somewhere, gone, out of her grasp was painful. The bed felt empty and cold without him and she spent at least an hour wondering if he would stumble inside or not.

Tonight, thankfully, was not one of those nights. Cassian was laying beside her, an arm wrapped around her protectively, his breath soft against the nape of her neck. Jyn was just about to fall asleep when she heard the door creak. Her eyes snapped open. Cassian was already in the bed with her. Which meant either it was a very unlucky intruder or…

Poe’s face came into her vision on the side of the bed. “Jyn?”

“Yes?” Jyn tried to remain as neutral as possible and did not move.

“I had a nightmare. I don’t wanna sleep.”

“Okay.”

A pause and then, “Why is Cassian sleeping in your bed?” Blush flooded Jyn’s cheeks. Luckily, Poe was too young to understand what that meant, much less what Cassian sharing her bed meant. “Did he have a nightmare too?”

“Uh, yeah, something like that.” Jyn knew that there would be no avoiding it now. She shifted in the bed so that Poe could climb in it with her. When she moved, Cassian moved as well, pulling her closer, until she rolled over and touched his cheek. “Hey, uh, Cassian, we’ve got a joiner.”

“What?” Cassian’s voice was thick with sleepiness. He blinked his eyes slowly until he caught sight of Poe peering over Jyn and immediately woke up. He jerked back and then froze, looking like a deer caught in headlights. She had never seen him so panicked before in his life. “Oh, Poe, er…”

“I had a nightmare. Jyn is always nice when I have a nightmare. Did you?”

Jyn had never seen Cassian blush before, but she almost laughed when she saw it spread across his face. She would have if Poe wasn’t dangling on top of her. He looked as if he’d swallowed his own tongue and was unable to come up with a single word. Poe crawled over the rest of her before settling in between them. Jyn caught eyes with Cassian and this time she was the one to grin at him. He glowered at her briefly before it vanished from his face when Poe looked up at him.

“Can I sleep here too?” Poe asked. “I’m scared.”

“Of course, bud,” Cassian replied gently, the tension easing out of him. “We wouldn’t want you to be scared.”

Poe was silent for a while, but his eyes were open. Jyn and Cassian glanced at one another again and she shrugged her shoulders. Normally, whenever Poe crawled into bed with her after a nightmare, he didn’t talk and she never asked him about his dreams. She figured he would tell her if he wanted to and she was afraid that she wouldn’t have a good answer even if he did.

“I dreamed you and Jyn were gone,” Poe finally said, “like Mommy and Daddy.”

“Oh, Poe…” Jyn wrapped him up in her arms and he nuzzled against her.

This was what she was used to. It was the only comfort she knew how to give him. Silent but reassuring. She had never been good with words unless they were on paper, but Poe didn’t seem to need them. He clung to her as she kissed the top of his head. When she looked back up at Cassian, there was an incredibly warm expression on his face, open and tender. He reached out to run his fingers through Poe’s hair, stopping when his fingers brushed against hers. Inside her chest, her heart leaped again, like it was trying to reach him, and she didn’t know what else to say or if there even was anything.

She could promise Poe that it wouldn’t happen -- that she and Cassian would never leave him -- but she was sure that Shara and Kes had told him the same thing whenever he was scared. She couldn’t do that to him again. It made her think of her mother dying and her father fading from her life. Everyone leaves, she’d told Cassian, but God, she was going to do everything in her power to ensure that she didn’t.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so yeah, it's now officially four parts, but I'm relieved to say that it will be finished in the next one. There was just a lot that needed to be done in this part and I wanted to end on a sweet note, which wouldn't have been possible in this one as it didn't fit. I almost ended it completely on a cliffhanger, but then thought better of it. Oh, did I mention that this chapter will be angsty as hell? Because that's who I am.

His next assignment came at the worst possible time. Poe’s birthday was coming up in a few weeks and Cassian knew right away that this one would take much longer than a few days. It was deep cover, not as bad as the one a  few years ago that had lasted months, but still not good. He’d be cutting it very close. The idea of possibly missing Poe’s third birthday tasted bitter on his tongue and turned his stomach sour.

Cassian had never once turned down an assignment -- had never had a reason to before -- and yet here he was, hesitating over the file.

Kay peered at him from his desk. “Are you feeling well, Cassian? You look like you’re five seconds away from throwing up the four cups of coffee you consumed for breakfast.”

Honestly, Cassian wasn’t sure that he  _ wasn’t  _ going to vomit. It didn’t matter if he came out of this assignment completely in tact; Jyn would  _ murder _ him if he missed Poe’s birthday. Hell, he wasn’t certain that he might do something drastic himself if he did. Things were going so well right now. Poe was both tentatively excited about his birthday and upset as well because it would be his first birthday without Kes and Shara. There was no way that Cassian could miss it. Him not being there would break the kid’s heart and betray all of the trust that he’d worked on building between them.

And Jyn would never forgive him. Whatever warm, comfortable thing that was going on between them would be shattered and she would cut him out of her personal life quicker than anyone could imagine possible. Nothing sounded more excruciating than the cold shoulder she would give him. If there was one thing that Cassian knew about Jyn, it was that she held some serious grudges and it had taken him moving mountains to get through the first time.

“Does it have to do with Jyn?” Kay queried.

_ Yes. _

“No.”

Kay gave him a shrewd look. Cassian wondered when he had become so transparent to his partner or if he was just that way when it came to Jyn. Somehow, Kay always seemed to know when Cassian was distracted by her. Still, he went back to filling out his latest report. In their partnership, Kay did most of the paperwork. He was a lot more precise, detailed, and technical; plus he seemed to prefer it since he always insisted going over everything Cassian put in anyways.

The conversation seemed dead until Kay abruptly said, “You could turn it down.”

Cassian looked up sharply, alarm written across his face. Kay did not look up; he didn’t have to. He knew Cassian’s record with assignments better than Cassian did himself probably. Cassian was more likely to volunteer for an assignment than turn one down. Such a thing had never been suggested to him before. The fact that Kay was bringing it up now meant that he knew just how bad this was.

“I’ve been working on this case for almost a year,” Cassian pointed out. “People have  _ died _ .”

“Yes, these are very bad men,” Kay replied matter-of-factly. “And you have put more time and effort into this case than anyone else. You’re the best chance we’ve got at taking them down.” He set his pen down and looked up once more, settling a decidedly blank look on his face. “But you’ll be distracted too and distractions, as you know, get you killed.”

Cassian clenched his fist over top his keyboard. “Are you saying I can’t hack it?”

“I’m saying,” Kay huffed dramatically, “that you have something to live for now.”

His response caught Cassian off guard. He had never really thought that he had a death wish or anything like that. He did his job and he did it well, regardless of what it did to him in the end. There were times when he had to do a few shady things or act like a person that he didn’t like, but that came with the territory. No one could slip in and out like he could. No one was willing to go as far as he did or was able to commit to a role as much as he did. Yes, it put him with the sharks, but he’d been swimming with them what felt like his entire life.

It just felt so different now.

“You’re a great cop, Cassian,” Kay told him as he organized the papers on his desk, “but I think it will very much hurt you to be one at the expense of being a lousy father.”

There were plenty of times when it seemed like Kay didn’t understand his fellow humans, as if emotions were out of his range of expertise. There were also times that because of this, he was able to dig right to the heart of a matter and pull it right out of you whether you knew it was there or not. This was definitely one of those times. Cassian’s eyes fell back down to the file on his desk.

This was his life -- the job was what made up his very being -- and yet he had a life outside of this too and it didn’t fit so smoothly with the first. The question he had to ask himself was this: Could he live both and not hate himself? He didn’t know. He honestly didn’t know.

*

Jyn would not cry over this...this bastard of a man. She absolutely refused. The last time she had cried had been because her father missed yet another dance recital when she was twelve. She nipped that problem quickly. A week later, she quit dance and refused to tell her father why. Eventually he stopped asking and his lack of showing up in her life didn’t hurt as much if there was nothing important in it. She learned not to allow anyone in deep enough that might cut her heart.

This was no exception.  _ Cassian _ was no exception. She would not allow it.

Instead, she had to be clinical about it. Practical. Controlling her emotions in the heat of the moment wasn’t one of her strong points, so she did her best to shut them off entirely. Easier said than done, of course, especially since it wasn’t just her now. When it came to Poe, she lost a lot of the control she’d built up over the years.

“So, how long will you be gone?” Jyn didn’t look back at him as she spoke. She kept on washing the dishes, a little more vigorously than necessary, but it was best to keep her hands occupied and her face turned away from him in case she did let something slip.

“I don’t know,” Cassian responded slowly. His voice was even, controlled. He was better at this than her. It pissed her off even more. How could he be so calm about this? “A few weeks, maybe, hopefully less. These things don’t tend to run on a specific timeline.”

“A few weeks.” The words rolled out of her mouth uncomfortably, like chewing food with a strange texture. They made her want to spit. “How dangerous?”

Because it was stupid to ask if it was dangerous. Of course it was. Cassian’s job required him to surround himself with dangerous people in dangerous situations. She would know, as it was her job to write about them. Before Poe, this would’ve been a wet dream for her job. Being so close to the source of the investigation, she could only imagine what details she could’ve dragged out of Cassian and how far she would’ve gone to get them. But now, she wanted as far away from it as possible. The entire thing felt tainted.

“I have to do this.”

He didn’t answer, so very dangerous then. Jyn closed her eyes and took a breath. She would not blow up; she would not cry.

Rage and desperation simmered underneath her skin. “Of course you do.”

“Jyn, it’s my job. This is who I am. You know that; you’ve known it for years. Did you expect things to change?”

_ Maybe. _

“No. The force is your life. It’s the most important thing in the world to you.” Jyn’s lip curled into a sneer because if it hadn’t it might’ve started trembling. Things had been going so well. Why had she let herself fall into a sense of complacency? She knew better than that. She never let it happen. Why had she done it now? “I never expected to be your first priority though, but I’d hoped you might think of Poe a little more, at least.”

“I  _ am _ thinking of Poe,” Cassian told her fiercely. He stepped closer to her and she could feel him right behind her, the heat of his body, the anger that he’d hidden so deep rolling off of him now. A small part of her wished that he would come even closer, use his body to push her against the sink and hold her there, grab her, touch her, draw out the tension that was boiling over inside of her -- and she hated herself for it. “I’ve been working on this case for so long. If I do this right, a lot of very bad men will go to prison for a very long time.”

Jyn slammed a plate down on the towel to dry, almost breaking it. “And you’re the only one that can do it.”

“Yes, I am.” Cassian had no doubts about how good he was at his job and to be honest neither did Jyn. She’d caught only a few glimpses of him at work before when she was in his precinct trying to get a quote or information from people, but she didn’t have to see him at work to know that he was good. She just knew it in her gut, the way she knew when information was solid or when it was bunk.

“And if you don’t do it right? If it goes wrong? Then what?” Jyn gripped the edge of the sink. Her hands were soapy and wet, uncomfortably wrinkly from not bothering to use gloves or the dishwasher. Sometimes, she had to do things by hand to distract her mind from other things, but he was making it very difficult for her. “I get to take Poe to another closed casket funeral?”

“That’s not fair,” Cassian growled. It was unfair that he could speak like that about something as awful as this and it still sent shivers down her spine. He was being rough with her on purpose. She’d rage at him if he was gentle. He had picked up on her behavior too well.

“To who? You or Poe?”

Finally, Jyn rounded on him and was startled to see just how close he was. She’d known that he was right behind her, but there were only a few inches separating them. She could read the hard lines of his face, telling her that he was irritated with her for fighting with him, but also something that looked a lot like guilt in his eyes. She was not going to let that get the best of her though. She didn’t care how he felt; she only cared about what he was going to do. And he was going to go on this assignment. There was no doubt about it in her mind.

Cassian blew out some air. “If there was any other way--”

“Well apparently there isn’t,” Jyn interrupted coldly. “The job will always take first priority. You might think it’s tough now -- maybe even trick yourself into believing that you’re conflicted -- but the moment you’re gone, the second you’re in a new skin, you’ll feel relieved. You’ll feel free and unburdened. We’re holding you back. I get it. Sorry to be an inconvenience.”

This time, he couldn’t hide the fact that she’d hit a nerve. Fury crossed his face, covering up the guilt in his eyes, and she basked in it. Yes, let him be angry. Let him feel what she felt. She would relish it. She knew this. Anger was easy to understand and deal with. It would make it easier to let him go when he was gone and not give a damn. It would make it easier to burn him out of her system.

“Like you’ve been perfect?” Cassian sneered. “Every time I try to take a step forward or meet you halfway, you take a step back. The second there’s a hint of difficulty, you throw up a wall and push me away. Any chance I might even fail to live up to your expectations, you seek out a fight to burn down everything we’ve worked on.” He shook his head. “You’re afraid, Jyn, and you always have been. You just hide it behind anger. At least I’m trying to make this work for both of us.”

“Trying?” Jyn’s eyes burned. How dare he say something like that? She wasn’t afraid. What could she possibly be afraid of? She didn’t care about him. She didn’t care if he was here or not. (She would not think about the nights in this house when he didn’t come home, how empty it felt, like she was missing something that she’d never even known wasn’t there before.) “How can you be trying when you’re leaving?”

“I’m not leaving for good,” Cassian said. “I’m coming back.”

“You can’t promise that,” Jyn told him hoarsely, her throat constricting on her despite her attempts to shut it down. But that old fear was crawling its way back to the forefront of her mind. That pain from when she was twelve and she knew that her papa would never fully be in her life, that she would be alone, that he was gone almost as surely as her mama, that she didn’t matter. Cassian would leave and maybe he would come back, but he would leave again. In and out of her life, like her father.

God, it fucking figured that she’d fall for the same old song and dance routine a decade later.

“I’m coming back,” Cassian insisted, quieter this time, gentle again, and it hurt. She hated him for it, but the ache in her chest was there, winding its way around her heart. He shouldn’t have had this much power over her. It wasn’t fair. His hands cupped her face and even though everything in her mind screamed to push him away, to put her hands on his chest and shove him as hard as she could, she leaned into his touch. “I’m coming back.”

“You can’t--” Jyn closed her eyes. “Will you be back for Poe’s birthday?”

The pained breath that he took made her want to cry, but she stomped it down when he confessed, “I don’t know, but I am going to do everything in my power to be here for it.” She didn’t want him any closer to her, but gripped the front of his shirt tightly when he rested his forehead against hers. “I know it seems easy for me to you -- and it used to be, it used to be  _ nothing _ \-- but I feel like I’m being torn in half.”

She couldn’t handle it, having him so close and wanting him closer but knowing that he was going away. His absence would leave her cold. Jyn was used to living life like it was fire; the cold that he left behind in his wake would be painful. She hated it, but she couldn’t find it in herself to hate him. He was torn. She could feel it in the way he held her face, his fingers digging into her hair, his hot breath against her, the tension coiled inside of his body that he was barely keeping intact.

He couldn’t be like this when he was undercover on the job. It would leave him vulnerable. Even now, it felt like he was falling open to her. If he let any of this distract him, if he felt even a hint of hesitation or confliction, it could be disastrous. So she did the one thing she was good at: she pushed him away.

“Go,” Jyn told him hollowly, “just go.”

Cassian pulled away from her slightly. “Jyn--”

“ _ Go, _ ” she ground out, and if a little pain slipped through the cracks of her voice, then so be it, but it had to be done. He took a step away from her and his hands fell from her face. She opened her eyes to look at him. She could see him closing up right before her eyes, becoming someone she could never read or understand. “But I’m not telling Poe that you’re leaving or why you’ll be gone or miss his birthday. You can do that this time.”

Her words were more effective than a slap. Something pained and fearful flashed in his dark eyes before it was replaced with a mask of duty, like telling Poe was just another part of the job. Like she was just a part of the job, just a different kind. She did not have the strength to tell herself that it didn’t hurt anymore.

_ Everyone leaves. _

When Cassian walked out of the room to speak with Poe, it felt just as quick and sharp as her mother’s death and just as painful and hard as her father’s absence.

*

He slipped into the role because he had to -- because it was his job -- because it was him. When he put on the clothes and slicked his hair back, it was him, not someone else. He discarded Cassian Andor. It was important that he took nothing of that man with him because it wasn’t who he was. If he wanted to live, if he wanted to get the job done, he couldn’t just pretend to be someone else. He had to be someone else.

And so when he shook hands with criminals and smiled, he didn’t think of how small Jyn’s hand felt in his or how firm her grip was when he hovered over her in bed. When he laughed over a game of pool and bought a round of drinks, he didn’t think of her scowling face and the hot and cold feeling that swept over him when he pressed his body against hers at the table. When he held up a bag to examine the drugs he was supposed to help make more potent, he didn’t think of lifting Poe high in the air and spinning him around like he was flying. When he slept in apartment that he’d rented, he didn’t think of how cold it felt compared to sharing a bed with Jyn while Poe was curled up between them.

He brought no mementos with him, no pictures, nothing. All the memories he had of them, he locked them away in a box and pushed it to the side. He could not open it until the job was done. He was not raising a child that was not his own and he was not falling in love with one of the most volatile women he’d ever met. That life belonged to someone else that he didn’t know and could not afford to think about.

His dreams, of course, were fair game and his subconscious had never been crueler or so clear in what it wanted.

*

“Correct me if I’m seeing things, Erso, but is that a child in your lap?”

Jyn snapped her eyes away from her laptop to peer up at her boss. Saw Gerrera not only looked like a man that had fought in the military, but acted like it he was still in it as well. He was very particular about the way his office ran. The reason she got a little more leeway was because she was damn good at her job, he enjoyed the brashness of her writing, and seemed to have a fondness for journalists that jumped into hot water for a scoop. She’d known him for years, back when she’d been in college and had suffered through an unpaid internship here, and so he had given her some slack after the sudden life change she’d gone through.

That didn’t mean he’d be okay with her bringing Poe to work with her.

“Nope, you’re not seeing things,” Jyn replied, trying for cool like Cassian would. She didn’t pull it off as well as he would have and she was irritated with herself for thinking of him.

Saw peered at her laptop screen. “Is it appropriate for a child to be around while you’re writing about a cleaner for the mob that dismembers his victims and dumps them in the river?”

Jyn scowled and placed her hands over Poe’s ears, not that he was paying attention. Besides, it was too late. Saw had a worse problem with a filter than she did. “He can’t read yet, but he can still hear just fine.”

“Hm, good point,” Saw mused.

Sighing, she took her hands away from Poe’s ears and smoothed his hair down. He lifted his head to glance up at her, gave her a toothy smile, and then went back to playing with the toys in his hands. It had taken some finagling to convince him to stay still and not run around the office. Ice cream for lunch was in the cards. She knew how to make deals, even with a two year-old.

“Look, I’m sorry, Saw, but the babysitter cancelled last minute, Bodhi is on a long haul not due back for another week, and Leia and Han have their hands full with a newborn.” Jyn was not the person that made excuses. She was typically good at owning up to what she did after being caught or just not talking about it at all. But Poe changed things. A part of her felt like she had to explain herself when things didn’t go perfectly or she didn’t do something just right. “It was either call in or bring him here and the deadline is coming up quick.”

Saw considered her words for a moment before saying, “It’s fine today. He seems obedient enough.” Entertained and satisfied were better terms, in her opinion, but she kept her mouth shut. “But just remember: this is an award-winning magazine office, not a daycare. I won’t have my employees slacking because there’s a cute child to coo over.”

Jyn clenched her jaw. “Of course.”

“Don’t you have help with him?” Saw questioned. “What’s his name -- Andor? The vice cop?”

She would not react. She would not flinch. Hearing his name did not hurt. She was metal. There was a wall built in between her and any sort of pain.

“He’s...gone at the moment,” Jyn replied through gritted teeth.

Saw nodded his head. “That’s vice for you. Well, maybe you can get a story out of him if he returns. Readers love a good undercover story. It fascinates them.”

All Jyn could do was force a smile in agreement. If she opened her mouth to say anything, it would be to curse out her own boss and she didn’t think now was an appropriate time, considering Poe was in her lap. She at least tried not to swear around him. After that, Saw left her to finish her work, off to harass another unfortunate journalist that was running behind, and she swiveled back in her chair to face her laptop.

_ If he returns.  _ She couldn’t forget the wording if she tried.

*

He was sipping on a very nice, chilled tequila when the boss’ wife sidled up to him. She was very attractive, her hair done up, nice jewelry on, and a slinky blue dress. He’d only stopped by to talk to the boss briefly before he and his wife left for a play. The man had made him a drink, told him to wait, and then left to finish getting ready.

“Make me a drink?” the wife told him, a sparkling smile on her face.

“What would you like?” he asked good-naturedly.

“Something fun,” she replied.

The place had a very well-stocked bar. He’d worked in bars before and knew how to be flashy when making even the simplest of drinks. The wife was delighted as she watched him. Her look was appraising as she took the glass from him, her fingers brushing against his. She took a delicate sip, careful not to ruin her lipstick, and gave him a satisfied nod that he raised a grateful glass to in thanks.

“You’re too handsome to be drinking alone,” the wife said. Her voice was teasing; her gaze was predatory. She was a few years older than him, the beautiful wife to an up-and-coming powerful, older man. They weren’t at the top, but they liked to live as if they were already there. Live like the man you want to be and it was easier to be that man. He could understand that way of thinking. She also knew more than most wives of crime bosses.  He had known right from the start that she was smarter than she appeared. People underestimated her. He did not.

“You flatter me,” he chuckled. He tapped his head. “Most people only care about my mind.”

She ran a soft hand down the front of his shirt. It was nice in a way that suggested smart, efficient dressing. He could be showy when need be and restrained when necessary. “It’s not always what’s on the inside that counts.” She caught his eyes. “My dear husband says that you’ve been working non-stop. I do like a man with stamina. It’s difficult for people to keep up with me sometimes.”

“I take my work very seriously, especially when my life is on the line.”

When she laughed, it mirrored the sound of the ice tinkling in her glass tumbler. “All work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy.”

“But a rich and living one,” he countered, taking a sip of his drink. “Everyone must make sacrifices.”

“It sounds like a terribly lonely life,” the wife simpered. “Is there not anyone to keep you warm at night?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Only in between jobs.”

“Do you have one that always returns to you, waiting for you to come back into her arms?” the wife asked him. Then she grinned devilishly. “Or do you just find a pretty girl to woo and fuck until you don’t need her anymore?”

This time, he was the one to laugh. “I’m not the settling down type, if that’s what you’re asking. Right now, my work is more important. It takes up a lot of my time. Turns out most women don’t like to be around potentially toxic chemicals for too long.”

“Sounds fun,” she giggled.

“More like dangerous.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Is that not the same thing?”

“Ah, entertaining our guest, darling?” the boss in question asked as he strode into the room.

The wife stepped on her tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek. “You’re going to run this poor boy into the ground with all the work you’ve given him.”

“Oh, he sets his own pace. He’s tenacious. We could use some of that.” The boss took the finished drink out of her hand and set it down. He patted her on the arm. “Meet me outside, will you? I’ve got a few, quick things to discuss with our boy here before we go.”

“Don’t take too long.” She smiled and waved at them. When her husband’s back turned on her, she gave him a quick wink that only he could see. He did not respond, merely gave her a bland smile in return. If she caught the meaning in it, she didn’t care, only broadened her smile. He wasn’t the only one that was tenacious.

But she wasn’t his type. She wasn’t petite with a hard frame. She didn’t have brown hair that she kept in a loose bun even on days she had time to do her hair and her eyes weren’t a green that pierced right through him. She was smart, yes, but not clever and quick. And whatever fire she had in her was all selfish, blind ambition. There was little room in her for anything or anyone else but herself. No, she wasn’t for him.

But he did not have anyone waiting for him to come home. He could not afford to have that, not when the work he did was so important.

*

The nights were painful because she couldn’t ignore it any longer. There was nothing left to distract her. Poe was asleep in bed, her laptop was closed, the article she was working on only needed editing, and it was so quiet. She turned music on to help lull her mind, but even that didn’t help. Most of the time, she fell asleep on the couch, hiding under a blanket, going through countless television episodes that she never would’ve watched before. It was mind-numbing. Dealing with Poe on her own could be physically exhausting, but her mind still raged on.

Tonight though, nothing seemed to be helping. Poe had been asleep for three hours when she pulled a bottle of wine out of the fridge. She hadn’t had more than a single drink since the night and Cassian had gone out. This time, she didn’t bother getting a glass. She just sat on the couch with the bottle and drank out of it until it was gone before the episode even finished. The quick buzz swarmed over her mind, but instead of drowning the thoughts, it brought them forward in a clumsy, loud cluster.

By the time she realized she hadn’t even known what went on in the episode, she turned off the tv and dragged herself to bed. No sense in throwing a pity party like this. Poe would wake up bright and early as he always did. He wanted waffles tomorrow for breakfast. They’d eaten cereal and yogurt for nearly the past two weeks. She had to get it together for his sake. She could not afford to be a self-pitying brat. That wasn’t her life anymore.

However, when she crawled into bed, the blanket felt like it was smothering her and the darkness crowded around her like a demon. She threw the blanket over her head, willing it to go away, just to sleep. All she had to do was let it go. Let him go.

Three weeks. He’d been gone for three weeks and she hadn’t heard a single peep from him. The only consolation she had gotten was a visit from his partner, Kay, a very tall, lanky man with a perpetually frowning face. He had told her that Cassian was fine -- that things were going well -- and that was that. He could not tell her anything else. She was not at liberty to know. Even doing this might get him in trouble with their captain, Draven, but he had known that Cassian wouldn’t want her completely in the dark.

It had taken everything in her not to slam the door on Kay’s face and scream at him that she didn’t care and that she didn’t want to know, not when it was a damn lie.

But that had been nine days  ago and she’d heard nothing since. She gripped the blanket tightly, the urge to rip it to shreds burrowing its way into her mind, and then stopped. She took a shuddering breath and slowly let go of the blanket, allowing it to drape over her. Staring at nothing, she tried not to imagine what Cassian was doing now. If he was sleeping or if he was hanging out the men he was trying to put away or something even more terrible.

But she missed him. She missed him like she missed Shara, like she missed Kes, like she missed Bodhi when he was gone for long hauls. Except this time, she not only missed him but felt alone too. It had been a long time since she had felt alone. She had thought that she’d cut the feeling out of her years ago. It was cutting at her now, whittling her down to her bones, and she hated it. She’d never liked feeling weak, but this was worse. She was completely powerless. Either he came back or he didn’t. And if he didn’t…

_ Oh, God, Shara, you didn’t warn me. You never told me that how painful it could be. You and Kes made it look so easy, so wonderful. You lied. _

Before she could stop it, a sob worked its way up her throat and tumbled out. She clamped a hand to her mouth and curled up on herself, but they kept coming until her entire body was shaking from them. The sobs were muffled by her hand, but they sounded so loud in her ears, like a beating drum. They were hollow and broken and she could not stop. She thought of Shara’s bright laugh and Kes’ beaming smile when he held Poe and that half grin that Cassian only seemed to give her when no one else was looking.

It occurred to her, while she was in the worst of it, that she had not cried in years. She hadn’t even cried for Shara and Kes, just held it all in, telling herself that it was for Poe’s sake. Perhaps though she had held it in because she didn’t know if she would be able to stop once she started. Everything came flooding back to her, all her old fears and insecurities, wants and wishes, disappointments and emptiness. It hit her like a tidal wave and she was drowning in the pain of all that she’d kept at bay.

So lost in it, she didn’t hear the door open. If she had, she would’ve shut up and berated herself for being so weak, but by the time she realized that she wasn’t alone, it was too late. The damage had been done. She felt the bed dip as a little body crawled onto it and bit her lip hard enough to make it bleed to stop crying. The blanket was slowly peeled off of her until she came face-to-face with Poe. He was so tiny that it made her want to cry all over again.

“Jyn?” he whispered. “Bad dream?”

“Yeah,” she whispered back in a hoarse voice, her throat raw from crying.

Poe settled down next to her, facing her so that he was only a little ways away. His eyes focused on her face. Even though she knew that she looked like a complete wreck, she didn’t feel the urge to roll over or look away so that he couldn’t see her. There was no judging on his face, no pity, no embarrassment. He just...looked at her.

“I’ll stay with you,” he decided, a brave and determined look on his face, as if their roles were reversed and he was the one comforting her after an awful nightmare.

She gave him a watery smile and nodded her head. She closed her eyes, knowing full well that she’d be puffy-eyed and look like shit tomorrow, but she didn’t care. Poe was only a child, but his presence was soothing. It made her feel like she wasn’t alone in this, even though she was the adult taking care of him.

But then he had to go and ask, “Is it because you miss Cassian?” and her heart plummeted.

Jyn opened her eyes to look at him again. This time, he looked like a child again, scared of the unknown. It hadn’t been just three weeks for her. It had been three weeks for him as well. She could tell that he was trying not to ask about Cassian and she hadn’t asked him about what Cassian had told him the night before he left. The few times he did bring up Cassian though left an ache in her chest that she couldn’t avoid.

She was used to lying. It came with the territory of being evasive and defensive. She could lie to herself even, but she could not lie to Poe.

“Yeah, it’s because I miss him.”

Poe sniffed and she could see the telltale signs that he’d been crying not long ago. He rubbed at his eyes and then reached out for her, placing his hands on her face. He would be able to feel the tears that had stained her cheeks and turned them red and raw. “Me too.”

And then tears were leaking out of his eyes again and she pulled him closer to her, letting them soak her t-shirt. They laid like that for a while until both of them fell asleep, exhausted and emotionally spent. She wished, more than anything, that Cassian would walk through that door tonight, but she knew that he wouldn’t. It was a hollow sort of wish, the kind that she’d thought didn’t exist for her anymore.

*

The first thing Cassian thought of when he shot another man hiding behind a crate was that Kay was going to be furious about the extra paperwork an undercover, on-duty police shooting would cause.

The next thing he thought when he felt a bullet puncture his shoulder and knock him to the ground was that dealing with an angry Kay would be better than failing a furious Jyn. He had to come home. He had to. There was no other option. He pictured Poe playing on Solo’s lap at his parents’ funeral, too young to understand what was going on, and the blinding pain receded just long enough for him to grab his gun again.

He made a promise that he intended on keeping, whether fate or these assholes had other ideas or not.

*

It was almost one in the morning when Jyn got the call. She blindly grabbed her cell on the pillow next to her and answered it, but rocketed out of her bed after the first few words entered her ears. On the other end, Kay was barely able to finish before she was hopping around and dragging her clothes on.

“Where is he?” she demanded as she pulled on a pair of jeans.

“I’m not really at liberty to say--”

“Damnit, where is he, Kay? I’ve talked to a lot of batshit people. I know how to get rid of a body.”

Kay harrumphed and said, “Threatening a police officer will only get you arrested,” but then told her anyways. He probably knew that she would comb the entire city and barge her way into every hospital if he didn’t and that was a scene they all needed to avoid.

She hung up, forgetting to thank him, and then dialed Bodhi. She had to call twice before he answered.

“Jyn, what time--?”

“I need you over here five minutes ago. I have to see Cassian.”

“Oh.” Bodhi hesitated on the other end. “Is he--?”

“Just get over here,” Jyn practically begged. “I need you to watch Poe.”

It took Bodhi an agonizing fifteen minutes to get to the house. He was still in his pajamas. The only difference was that he was wearing tennis shoes. Jyn hugged him, muttering the thanks she’d forgotten to tell Kay, and was out the door, practically running to her car. It was painful to drive only ten miles over the speed limit, but she did not want to deal with the irony of getting pulled over by a cop while trying to see a cop.

_ Cassian was shot, _ thrummed in her mind on repeat. She pushed the gas pedal a little more.

When she finally made it to the hospital, she made the worst parking job of her life and then ran to the ER. It didn’t matter that she probably wasn’t going to be let in to see him. Kay had said that Cassian was out of surgery and no longer critical, but it was way past visitor hours and this was no joke. He’d just come out of an undercover assignment and she had no idea which way it’d gone except bad.

Of course, it was even worse when the nurse wouldn’t tell her what room Cassian was in and then she felt a hand on her shoulder, only to see that it was Cassian’s captain, Dravin, the man who had given him in the assignment in the first place when he knew damn well what kind of position that would put Cassian in.

Jyn practically snarled as she ripped out of his grip. “Where is he? I want to see him.”

“Miss Erso, I’m afraid he’s in a delicate situation--”

“I don’t care about the situation. I want to see him! Or I’ll put you in a delicate situation.”

Dravin raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “This isn’t some news story that you can barge and bribe your way into in order to get what you want.”

“No, it’s Cassian!” Jyn exclaimed. She poked his chest accusingly. He was lucky that she didn’t punch him in his stupid face. “You put him in harm’s way! You took him away from a little boy that just lost his parents! You threw him to the wolves! He should wake up to someone that actually gives a damn about him.”

“And you do?”

“Yes!”

She’d never said it out loud before. Either she hadn’t been able to herself or because she hadn’t given herself the chance and by the time she’d realized it, unable to just let it go, it had been too late. He was gone. She would be damned if she let him leave again without being honest with both of them, even if it scared her. Nothing could scare her worse than hearing the words, _ “Cassian was shot.” _

Dravin sighed and looked around the room. People were eyeing them, curiosity and wariness waring with them. Even some of the staff was gawking. The scene he’d hoped to avoid was already happening. If he had heard anything about Jyn’s tactics when it came to her job, he would know that she would not give up and would only make things more difficult. He waved a hand at the nurse behind the desk and nodded his head before walking off, aggravated and tired.

The second the nurse told her the room number, Jyn was off. She didn’t have much an idea of where she was going, but she would find it. Ten minutes later, she found herself standing outside of a room in a hallway empty save for a uniformed officer. When she glanced at him, he nodded, apparently having been radioed about her. 

Now that she was here though, she was scared. What would she see on the other side? She didn’t have a clue about Cassian’s condition, exception that he’d been shot and had been in surgery, which implied that he either had been or was unconscious. How hurt was he? Had he been shot only once or multiple times? And where? She’d seen a lot of horrific crime scene photos and been to some of them herself -- it came with the job -- but this was different. Personal. Cassian.

And the last time she’d rushed to a hospital, it had been to find out that her friends had died. She distantly remembered Cassian being the one to pull her away and back to the waiting room before she could see them, telling her that she didn’t need this in her memory. She’d forgotten until now that he had been the one to hold her back then. The last images she had of Shara and Kes were of them whole and alive. But what would Cassian look like, so close to death?

When Jyn finally pushed the door open, her shoulders slumped and she was relieved at the sight. There weren’t any tubes keeping him breathing or multiple machines hooked up to him. He was lying in the bed, asleep, probably knocked out from whatever drugs he was on. The hospital clothes hung on him loosely and the white blanket was draped up to his waist. He was paler than normal and his face was clean-shaven. Must have been for his cover, as she’d never seen him without scruff before. It made him look impossibly young, even though he was older than her.

Slowly, her feet carried her towards the bed and she sat down in the seat next to him. Without even thinking, she took his hand. Her heart leaped at the contact, but then ached again when he didn’t return the squeeze that she gave him. He was unconscious, she told herself. When he waked, she could indulge herself in him. For now though, she settled on basking in seeing him in person. She took in the steady rise and fall of his chest and the bandage peeking out of his shirt over his collarbone and shoulder.

“Bastard,” Jyn whispered, “you lecture me on going in alone and you do the same damn thing.”

He didn’t respond or open his eyes or smile. She didn’t expect him to. Instead, she leaned over and laid her head down on the bed next to his hand, peering up at his face. His mouth was parted slightly as he breathed and his eyes moved under his eyelids as he dreamed. She wondered what he was dreaming of. She hoped it was something good and not what he had just gone through.

*

**He dreamed of her and Poe, of an impossible family, of a life he didn’t know that he was desperate to have. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap, folks! I feel like this is conclusive. And it kind of ends like the movie instead of the melodramatic, angst-fest that I turned this into. Thank you to everyone that has read and commented on this! It's made my week and helped me write this so fast. Now I can get back to all the other projects that I shoved to the side to finish this accidental monster.

A few things flittered through Cassian’s mind like half-formed thoughts as he woke up: the quiet and stillness of the room except for a steady beeping sound, the sterile smell that surrounded him, and a gentle pressure on his hand. When he moved to flex his fingers, he found them held in place by something. For a brief moment, panic shot through him -- was he being restrained or held somewhere? -- but then his eyes blinked open, dazed by the white of the room, and a blurry, dark-haired form came into view.

His heart immediately leaped into his throat. _ Jyn. _

It didn’t take him much longer to realize what was going on. He was in a hospital. He could vaguely remember the trip here, bleeding out in the back of Kay’s car with his partner forcing him to recite some bullshit information to keep him conscious, but he didn’t actually remember arriving. He must have passed out. Judging from the pain and stiffness of his shoulder and his right side, he probably had gone through surgery as well to remove the bullets. He wanted to move to touch her, but thought better of it when he tried to shift.

And somehow Jyn was here with him. He wasn’t sure how long he had been out, but he didn’t think that it had been too long. He could not imagine her waiting here forever, if only because of Poe. She had more important responsibilities than watching over him while he was unconscious. Who had called her? How had she gotten in here? Stupid question. She’d probably caused a scene until it was just easier to let her in.

But why go through the trouble? The last he’d seen of her, it had been her back facing him as she stared out the kitchen window, arms folded across her chest, refusing to look back at him. She hadn’t even told him to be safe this time, just kept her mouth shut and her face turned away, resembling a locked chest filled with all the hopes and dreams that he couldn’t have. He had tried not to think about that image while on assignment, but he had struggled to shake the thought of her cutting him out of her life.

Jyn didn’t just burn bridges; she blew them to smithereens.

She had a solid grip on his hand even in sleep. Sitting in a chair, her back was stretched at an uncomfortable angle that would have her grimacing when she woke up. Her head was lying on the bed, face turned towards him, her messy hair brushing against his thigh. He grinned at little when he saw that her mouth was open and she was drooling a little. She looked, quite frankly, like a hot mess and he had never seen something more beautiful.

When he shifted again, trying and failing to find a more comfortable position, Jyn began to stir. She closed her mouth and huffed, her grip tightening for a second, before her eyes began to muzzily blink open and she looked at his face.

“Hey,” Cassian said as softly as he could. His throat felt raw and his mouth dry from being out for so long.

Like she was struck by lightning, Jyn shot up to her feet and stared at him with blazing eyes. There were too many emotions swirling in them for him to latch on one, as if she couldn’t decide whether she was happy, angry, or a few other things. “Cassian.”

“Did I make it back in time?” he asked.

She bit her bottom lip the second it started to tremble and furrowed her brow, her entire face going tense like she was trying to stop herself from crying. Without saying anything, she leaned forward to take his face in her hands and pressed her lips against his in the most desperate kiss he had ever experienced in his life. He was having trouble breathing as it was, but this kiss took the air right out of his lungs. Distantly, he was aware of something wet splashing on his face and he realized with a start that they were tears. Her tears.

When she pulled away, Cassian took a hesitant breath, wincing at the pain in his side. Jyn’s eyes grazed over his chest. She didn’t apologize and he didn’t want her to anyways. Instead, she poured him a glass of water and he took it from her gratefully. It was cold enough to bring him back to his senses, making him feel as if a part of him was coming back to life. Hospitals had always made him feel weird and off.

“I’d slap you if I wasn’t sure your boss would have me arrested,” Jyn told him, probably only half-joking.

Cassian finished the water and sighed. “Don’t worry; I’d bail you out.”

For a moment, all they could do was look at one another. Out of all the scenarios he’d dreamed of, he had done his best to not be hopeful in any of them. He tried not to think of Jyn welcoming him back with a kiss, much less one as needy as that one. He would’ve settled for a upward tick of her mouth, an uncharacteristically soft look in her eyes, a hand on his arm with a mere, “Welcome home.” But this? A little more than he’d anticipated.

He reached out for her face and she leaned into his touch as she lowered herself back into the chair. She scooted it closer to the bed so that he wouldn’t have to strain. He brushed the streaks of her tears away and then just held her, taking in the warmth of her skin, the silky feel of her hair over his fingertips. She was here. She was real. This couldn’t be one of his dreams that his subconscious sent to torture him. Jyn had come to him.

“You came back,” she said in a tiny voice.

“I told you,” Cassian replied, as strong as he could, “I’m not going to leave you.”

She closed her eyes, her breathing steady and the tears gone. He was shocked that she had allowed him to see them at all. She was fully capable of bottling her feelings to her deathbed. “I wanted to believe you, but--” She opened her eyes and looked down at the blanket draped over him. “I’m not used to people sticking around when things get tough.”

“I’m not used to anyone  _ wanting _ me to stick around,” Cassian said.

“Yeah, well,” Jyn huffed as she picked at a loose thread, “Poe would’ve missed you.”

“Only Poe?” Cassian teased.

Jyn’s eyes flickered to his and he gave her a half grin. She didn’t need to say anything for him to know the answer. The look in her eyes spoke volumes enough. And really, they didn’t need any words between them to know. He couldn’t begin to say what exactly it was, just that it was important and a part of his life. Neither one of them was good at talking about their feelings anyways.

*

“You really do care about him, don’t you?” Bodhi asked, looking a little awestruck as he stared at her.

Jyn glowered and looked away from him. When she had invited Bodhi over for a celebratory beer once Poe had been put to bed, she had not planned on getting the third degree from him. That was more of Cassian’s specialty. She did not like it coming from Bodhi; normally he was pretty good at staying out of her business and waiting for her to tell him if there was something going on.

The fact that he was bringing up something very personal now meant that it must’ve been showing on her face. She was getting rusty. While not nearly as good as playing her cards close to her vest as Cassian, whose life depended on it sometimes, she was excellent at making sure no one wanted to dare try to break into her thoughts or question her. Having known her for years, Bodhi knew that better than anyone.

How far had she fallen?

“Oh, c’mon, Jyn, don’t be so stubborn,” Bodhi continued. “It’s not that difficult to see.”

Pulling her knees up to her chest in her chair, Jyn mulled over her beer. “I don’t like admitting to things when I don’t know the other side for sure.”

“The other side--? Cassian?” Bodhi laughed. “He might be more tight-lipped than you, but I think it’s pretty damn obvious what he thinks of you.”

Jyn rolled her eyes, but took a swig of her drink instead of replying or snapping at him. It wasn’t obvious to her, even after the hospital visit. She’d thought, maybe, that she had an understanding, but the idea that she could convey all her feelings with just a look and touch was something new. She didn’t know how Cassian was able to read her like an open book, but he did it when everyone else had struggled.

“You two haven’t even had sex yet,” Bodhi gushed, “because he wants to take things _ slow _ with you, be  _ tender _ when no other guy has tried,  _ intimate _ ,  _ honest _ \--”

“Okay, I get it!” Jyn’s cheeks were so red that they felt like they were on fire. “Shut up!”

Bodhi folded his arms across his chest. “How many more clues do you need to see that he’s really into you?”

Thirty and a handwritten confession sounded good to her. She drank her beer silently again, willing her cheeks to go back to normal, but now she couldn’t stop thinking about all the times he had been just like that with her. He was careful with her in a way that no one else had been before. Attentive and there for her whenever he could be. Even when his job had forced him to leave, he had made sure to be upfront with her and talk with her first. And when she saw him with Poe…

Her grip tightened around the glass bottle. “I’m just glad that he’s alive and safe.”

“Uh huh, sure,” Bodhi said in a very unconvincing tone. “I saw the look on your face before you ran off to the hospital. You looked like you were either going to hunt down the guys who shot him and throttle them with your bare hands or burst into tears.” He shook his head. “I don’t know which one would be scarier.”

She threw her bottle cap at him, but all he did was guffaw when it hit him in the chest.

*

It turned out that he had made it back in time for Poe’s birthday, just not back home. He couldn’t get discharged for at least another day. Cassian had tried to hide his disappointment and not argue with the doctors and Draven, but it had been difficult. He was more than exhausted; he’d been shot; and he just wanted to go  _ home _ . He couldn’t remember the last time he had wanted to do that. Before Jyn, before Poe, he would’ve been fighting to return to work, but for the first time, both his body and his mind felt like it needed a vacation.

And Cassian Andor of before did not do vacations.

So he was stuck at the hospital, trying not to lose his patience. Watching television had never done anything for him, but he kept it on for background noise as he attempted to read a novel that Kay had brought to distract him from the monotony of the day. The only problem was that the book had to be at least from a hundred years ago and was just as dry as Kay. It had been a good try.

Normally, he would’ve occupied himself with casefiles, but he wasn’t allowed to do that and he had strict orders to keep his nose out of any official business. Cassian had done what he could to needle information out of Kay about the conclusion of the assignment he’d been on, but bar any major arrests, Kay was keeping a closed mouth, most likely under the threat of suspension. He hadn’t seemed pleased to keep Cassian relatively in the dark, but with Draven looming over both of them, it was best to just ride the waves and not make a splash.

A timid knock on the door to his room took Cassian’s attention away from the book. When it cracked open, he had to look down in order to see who was peeking inside. A wide smile split across his face.

“Cassian!” Poe exclaimed before shoving the door open the rest of the way and rushing towards him.

Jyn was quick to follow in after, balancing a tinfoil-covered plate in one hand and a bag slung over her other shoulder. “Careful, Poe, careful!” she cautioned, hurrying forward as Poe attempted to climb up the hospital bed to catch him before he clambered on top and did some serious damage to Cassian. Right before the boy could plop down on him, Jyn looped an arm around his middle and swooped him back, setting him on the chair. It didn’t seem to faze Poe, who was beaming brightly. “Remember what I told you? Cassian’s hurt, so you’ve gotta be...”

Poe pressed a finger to his lips. “Gentle.”

“That’s right,” Jyn replied with a decisive nod.

Taking a breath, Poe looked back to him and asked, “Can I sit in the bed?”

Cassian would like nothing more. “Of course, bud.” He would’ve liked if Jyn could crawl in next to him to -- she was petite enough -- but the bed didn’t offer a lot of room and three people, even if one was as small as Poe would have been pushing it considering his limited movement.

Setting the plate down, Jyn lifted Poe and carefully set him down in the bed beside Cassian. He grimaced only a little as he moved to the side. The pain was there, but the meds helped. It could’ve been much worse. Recovery would take some time, mostly because of the gunshot to his side, but he was alive and conscious. He lifted his good arm, doing his best to ignore the strain on his other shoulder, so that Poe could wiggle in against him, and then dropped it around him.

“What are you two doing here?” Cassian asked. Not that he wasn’t happy to see them. It was just that a visit to the hospital wasn’t exactly the most excited thing to do on a birthday. “I thought there was a party to attend.”

“We decided to cancel it,” Jyn explained as she sat down in her customary seat. An alarmed look crossed Cassian’s face, but before he could say anything, she continued, “Well, not cancel, so much as move the date. Poe didn’t want to have the party unless you were there, so I figured we could just do it next week.” She smirked at him. “Unless you’re busy?”

Cassian snorted. “Hardly.” He awkwardly ruffled Poe’s hair. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

When he had explained to Jyn what was going on, she hadn’t been...displeased. In fact, he thought she might have even been happy or relieved with the turnout, though she never said anything along the lines. He wasn’t suspended, per say, so much as on leave. Medical leave was the term Draven had used, but Cassian knew that there was more to it than that. His line of work tended to do that. Kay might not have told him much, but he had complained about all the extra paperwork to be done. Things were complicated right now and it was best for everyone involved that Cassian just stay out of it.

“And he wanted to see you for his birthday,” Jyn added in a softer voice.

The sound of her voice and the look on Poe’s face panged Cassian’s heart, but not in the painful way that it once did. He was reminded of how much Poe had lost already. All he’d wanted for his birthday was to see Cassian again, to know that he hadn’t lost someone else. Of course, Poe was too young to understand that now, but that didn’t mean Cassian couldn’t recognize it. After all, he could remember his first birthday after his parents’ death, the day he turned seven. He had been desperate to see his mother and father too or anyone that might have loved him. The orphanage had not provided such comforts.

“But it’s not a birthday without cake,” Jyn declared as she reached over to grab the plate and unwrap it. There were three vanilla cupcakes with shockingly orange icing on them lying on the plate.

“We made them!” Poe said excitedly.

Jyn made a face. “I haven’t baked in years, so don’t judge me too harshly. Bodhi was the cook.” She dug around in the back until she found three candles and a lighter, placing one in each cupcake.

“That’s illegal, you know,” Cassian told her. “I could arrest you.”

But Jyn stuck her tongue out at him. “You’re not on duty.” She winked at him as she lit the candles and Cassian bit his lip to keep himself from chuckling. Likely, if Poe hadn’t been in the room, she would’ve said something else, something decidedly much more adult and having to do with handcuffs.

Once the candles were lit, the little fires glowing brightly in Poe’s wide, dark eyes, both Cassian and Jyn sang him happy birthday. They sounded kind of awful, neither one of them good singers, but that didn’t seem to bother Poe in the slightest. Gripping Cassian’s hand, Poe leaned forward, took a deep breath, and blew out the candles. They cheered for him as he clapped. While Jyn handed Poe the first cupcake, Cassian leaned over to kiss the top of his head.

When she handed him a cupcake, their fingers brushed against one another’s and he held them there despite the strain. He connected eyes with her and held her gaze. There was fire in her eyes, not the furious kind that burned people up from the inside out, but the kind of fire that warmed a person and kept them alive. Maybe he was still in the hospital, but this felt like home to him.

*

Jyn spent the entire day that Cassian was due back in a flurry trying to clean the house. Untouched dishes had to be washed and put away, dirty clothes picked up from around the house and thrown into the wash, mail sorted and random trash taken out. Who knew how messy a place could get? She couldn’t remember doing much, but a toddler and a mess of a woman were a terrible combination. She vacuumed, found the duster in a closet, and put up all of Poe’s toys except for the ones he was playing with.

All the while, Poe watched her blow through the house like a cleaning tornado with a curious, almost startled look on his face. Jyn knew for a fact that she had never cleaned so much in her life. By the time it was nearing the time Cassian was due to be dropped off by Kay, she realized that she hadn’t cleaned herself up. Yoga pants, an old tank top, and her hair put up in the messiest bun imaginable, she did not want to be Cassian’s first look at her when he got back, and so she put in a movie for Poe and jumped in the shower.

There wasn’t any time to do much of anything else but dry her hair and put on some clean clothes. She thought of Bodhi’s words about her outfit the night that she and Cassian had gone out -- _ “like you’re trying to look like you’re not trying” _ \-- and then realized that she didn’t even know what that meant. She gave up and just dressed in something she would normally wear, jeans and a loose-fitting blouse, She was checking in on Poe when the door clicked and began to open.

Poe jumped up from the couch to greet Cassian as he walked inside. The little boy wrapped his arms around Cassian’s legs, squeezing tightly, as Cassian laughed and ruffled his hair. They walked in together with Poe not wanting to let go and Kay following in behind them to shut the door.

“Shot twice three days ago, and he’s insisting on doing everything himself,” Kay grumped.

Jyn shrewdly eyed Cassian, who dodged her glance by focusing on Poe as he eased himself down on the couch, and then turned to Kay. “You didn’t let him drive, did you?”

“On those painkillers?” Kay scoffed. “I think not.” He set the car keys in a bowl on a table near the door, something that neither Jyn nor Cassian had ever done. Well, that was one mystery solved. “I just thought I’d warn you in case he tries to do something strenuous that will tear his stitches.”

“That is not going to happen,” Jyn determined, setting her hands on her hips. For his part, Cassian kept his mouth shut and gave them both a small, sheepish grin. She thanked Kay for his help, but he brushed it off, told Cassian to stay out of trouble, and then left them, citing all the work that Cassian had forced him to do in his absence.

Once Kay was gone, Jyn hesitated and peered back at Cassian. “I was planning on making dinner before you got here, but…”

“It’s fine,” Cassian said with a chuckle. He wiggled his fingers at her and she slunk over to him, squeezing in next to him on the couch and tucking her legs underneath her. She had to remind herself to be mindful of his injuries because she doubted he would say anything until it was too much. “How about take out and a movie? You pick the food; Poe picks the movie.”

“I want to pick the food!” Poe exclaimed.

Cassian hummed thoughtfully. “And leave Jyn to pick the movie? You know she has bad taste.”

She had to be  _ really _ mindful of his injuries.

*

There wasn’t a question of where Cassian was sleeping tonight. He took care of the nightly rituals, even though helping Poe with his bath made him grimace in pain more than a few times. Once Poe was soundly asleep, Cassian finished getting ready for bed, going very slow with changing. It wasn’t that late, but he was tired and blamed the meds. Besides, all he wanted to do right now was lay in bed with Jyn curled up next to him. He wanted to be able to hold her after restraining himself for the past few days.

While Jyn finished putting away their leftovers, he eased himself into the bed and let out a sigh. It felt so much better than the hospital bed he’d been stuck in. She slipped in not longer after and began to change into a pair of shorts and t-shirt, ignoring the fact that he was in the room. He watched in the dark, somewhat entranced, as she peeled off her clothes, the soft curves of her body teasing him. When she finally crawled into bed, he pulled her towards him and took a deep breath. The cheap coconut shampoo that she used had never smelled better.

“I missed this,” Cassian confessed.

“What? Me hogging the bed and laying on top of you?”

Deflecting, as per usual when she was nervous. It almost made him smile. They’d shared a bed plenty of times and she hadn’t been as nervous then. He put a finger under her chin and lifted it so that he could look her in the eyes.

“You,” he told her, “I missed you.”

The smile on Jyn’s face was a ghost in the dark, barely visible but there if you looked hard enough. She scooted up further so that she could kiss him. It was soft at first until he deepened it, his tongue sliding into her mouth, and a little, needy sound tumbled out of her mouth. She reached up to dig her fingers in his hair the same time that he moved to put his hand on the back of her neck. One of her legs fell over his as she fought to get closer to him, pressing the front of her body against his side.

Slowly, he slid his hand down until it rested on the small of her back where her shirt had raised. As he drew delicate circles into her skin with his fingertips, she moved to kiss down his neck, tugging on his hair to get better access, and he groaned at the way she nipped at his skin. When one of her hands slid down his chest, he kissed her harder, biting her lip, and his fingers dug into her. Only when he went to move to gain more leverage over her did his body finally protest, a sharp twang of pain shooting through him, to remind him that he’d been kind of shot.

This time, when he groaned, it was not a happy one. His head flopped back on the pillow. “This might be one of those strenuous somethings that I’m not supposed to do.” Which was really unfortunate since what he wanted to do right now was taste and touch every inch of her. Here she was, lying in his arms, very willing and eager, and it physically pained him to do more than kiss.

“It’s okay,” Jyn told him as a sneaky smile worked its way onto her face. “I can be gentle.”

He took a sharp intake of breath when she kissed his neck again and slid her hand under his shirt, She deftly avoided the bandage on his side as she touched him.  He desperately wanted to do more than just lay there as her lips and fingers toyed with him, but she didn’t seem to mind. Instead, he touched her where he could, his hand coming back up her side, brushing over one of her breasts, and enjoyed the way she pressed her center against his thigh in reaction.

“When you’re ready,” she whispered into his ear, her breath hot and tingling, “I expect full repayment.”

He screwed his eyes shut as she nibbled on his earlobe and slipped her hand under the band of his pants. “Jyn,” he breathed, barely able to get her name out. He could feel her grin as she pressed her lips against his before she gripped him through his boxers. His hips jerked instinctively as his muscles tightened. He wanted to repay her right now. He wanted to roll over top of her and take her in any way she wanted. Of course, the moment his body was very ready for her, it would also not be ready.

She continued to kiss him wherever she could as she stroked him. Even without her directly touching him, it felt like it was too much. He was already hard to the point where it almost hurt, if only because he knew that she was toying with him. Gentle be damned, he wanted her, but he knew that she would go so far as to hold him down if he tried anything.

And then, when she finally slipped her hand under to grip him, his body jerked and he grimaced in pain again, causing Jyn to still immediately.

“Too much?” she asked.

Cassian didn’t think that he’d ever looked or felt so pitiful in his life, but nodded his head, gritting his teeth to keep himself from hissing as a dull throbbing sensation pulsed out from the wound in his side. Even worse, he was still hard, but she let go and pulled away from him. This was torture. He growled low in his throat, angry with himself and his body and the men that had shot him, but she merely dragged his fingers across his chest in lazy circles, seemingly unconcerned.

“Of course,” Cassian muttered, “of course this would happen.” Even when he tried to breathe to calm himself down, the aches returned to him, now in his shoulder as well. How long before this wouldn’t be a problem? “You have no idea how much I want you right now.”

“Oh, I’ve got an idea,” Jyn murmured, kissing his shoulder. More than an idea. She’d had her hand full. Even just thinking about it was enough to stir him again, but no, he had to cut that line of thinking before he was hurting in another part of his body. “It’s okay though, really. I wasn’t expecting you to ravish me after getting shot twice a few days ago.”

“But I want to,” Cassian grumbled, sounding so petulant and weak.

Jyn chuckled. “And you said I’m impatient.” She lifted a hand and brushed his hair out of his face. It was getting long. He’d have to cut it soon unless he wanted it to get out of control. Maybe he’d just let it do its own thing while he was on leave. “You should get some rest anyways.”

He was very tired and he was hurting, but he still wanted her too. All he could do though was sigh and kiss her on the crown of her head. She snuggled up against him, not upset in the slightest, and closed her eyes. He was certain that he’d be awake for hours, just thinking of how good her body felt against his and in his arm, but it wasn’t long before he was out. Medicine always won in the end.

*

“--Happy birthday to you!”

Everyone in the room cheered as Poe took a deep breath, pressed his hands on the edge of the table, and blew out the candles as hard as he could. Of course there were only three, but he acted like there were at least twenty. Claps and cheers took over the room while Poe stood proudly in his chair and beamed at all of them. The dining room was filled to the brim with family friends, other children, and multiple animals.

Cassian quickly maneuvered so that he could start cutting the cake and passing pieces out while Jyn picked up Poe and sat him down on the ground. It sucked, but Cassian was still having trouble picking up Poe. She knew that his limitations were beginning to grate on his nerves, especially after a week, but she also knew that he wasn’t going to be top notch right away. The healing process would take time, especially since Cassian was stubborn enough to aggravate his injuries further.

“When do I get to open presents?” Poe asked, bouncing on his feet.

“After cake and ice cream,” Jyn reminded him for a fourth time.

Poe groaned dramatically, but then ran off with the piece of cake that Cassian handed to him. They were lucky that he was easily distracted by desserts.

With his job done, Cassian slipped his arms around her waist and propped his chin on her shoulder. Months ago, she would’ve balked at such a public show of affection and someone presuming that they could touch her, but now, she leaned back into his embrace. Also, since he’d been given permission not to use a sling, he was taking full advantage of it. Not that he had used it as much as he should have before. Stubborn bastard.

“He looks happy,” Cassian murmured. There were people chatting around them, but the only person she focused on was him. For a moment, she didn’t care that she was in a room full of people. He and Poe were the only ones that mattered.

“He does,” Jyn agreed.

When she looked at Poe now, she didn’t see the sullen, silent boy from that bathtub or the whimpering, shaking boy curled up in her bed. She saw him laughing and smiling brightly, playing with the other children and talking about birds probably. He was glowing in a way that she hadn’t thought possible again after the deaths of his parents. There would be dark times ahead of them, sure, and days where he was sad, but at least he would never be alone. She would never be alone either.

Cassian’s weight against her was comfortable and she realized that she had never felt him so at ease before. He was a naturally tense person, waiting for the next blow, but at the moment, he was utterly relaxed.

“Did you ever think for a second that it would end up like this?” Cassian asked her.

Jyn laughed. “Not before hell froze over.”

He wasn’t mad at her answer. She could tell by the way he grinned as he lightly brushed his lips against her neck. “I thought for sure that you’d try to smother me in my sleep.”

“And I thought you’d run away.”

“At best, I figured we’d tolerate each other and go on with our separate lives,” Cassian surmised. That made sense. No matter how much they’d once hated each other and later learned to deal with one another, she knew that they would have come to some sort of compromise for Poe’s sake. All of this though? Completely unexpected and totally uncharted territory.

_ This is a family,  _ Jyn thought.  _ A little broken and nowhere near perfect, but together through thick and thin. _

She thought she might love Cassian Andor and for once the thought didn’t terrify her. Even stranger, she thought that he might love her in return. Now wasn’t that just a kicker? She gazed at a family photo of Shara and Kes with a baby Poe, remembering their cheerful smiles and carefree demeanor. It wasn’t them, but it wasn’t as far off as it once had been. Jyn had been furious with Shara for setting her up on a terrible blind date with Cassian. Maybe both Shara and Kes had known something that neither she nor Cassian had.

Maybe they had seen two wayward people and had known that Jyn and Cassian would finally find a home in one another. Stranger things had happened.


End file.
